holy week musings...

hey all... realise my blog is dying... well these days i've been applying scholarships and all, and it's a really tiring process... kinda like groping around in the dark... (i hope i conjure up an image of beign lost, not clubbing, lol...) and it's really all guesswork, trial-and-error and everything... it's mentally draining... and i'm glad the application period is more or less over...

you know, i realise that in life, if u wanna get things, you wanna grab opportunities, you really gotta grab em without thinking... take first, ask questions later... esp if you're like me liddat... think too much, talk too much, do too little... a NATO i guess? scholarships is like that....

ah... just came back from LOM training camp, and i think it went pretty well... the tolerance level of all of them really amazed me, although i think the spiderweb station broke many of them... in any case, they were quick to 'revive'... so that amazed me...

the disappointment was the lack of drama... i think we all visioned a really dramatic camp, and it all seemed somewhat... lacking? the candle session, the cert presentation and all... lacked a certain amount of pride and achievement on the campers' part... which made me sad for pet, cos she really put in a lot of effort for the souvenirs and the bands... and finally, i wonder whether the campers really took home the message... that an officership is NOT a game, it is NOT something to be taken lightly, and that we have the power to MAKE OR BREAK legion thru our everyday choices...

here's a poem, by me...

love is...
how do you know you love her?
when you would give it all up for her
not all at once
but a little everyday, into forever.

so ya... think about it.
there are many things we can love. but love--true love--always takes on the same form.
which brings me to my next topic... the good friday sermon...
i think it was an amazingly good sermon... i know a lot of olps pple can't stand FAT (sorry it sounds insulting, but that is the acronym of his name..., and i mean it in the greatest respect...) but i think he's swell...
i know he speaks really slow and sings really slow, but he has substance. and it's not right to imitate or make fun of priests, although i confess, i have done it many times... but now i really got to know FAT, i respect him alot...

i'm not a big fan of the Latin mass and all, and my stand on it is NEUTRAL. but when FAT brought it to OLPS it showed that he was ready to work hard for a cause he believed in... and there were many supporters! which means that he didn't implement things the pple didn't like, he simply gave a voice to a minority...

and his sermon yesterday was surprisingly good... as always, it had substance... both theological depth as well as relevance... but this time it had something FAT sermons usually lacked... an outward expression of fiery passion! he opened up about a dark moment of his Priesthood and his life (which, i'm guessing, for a conservative guy like him, is extremely hard to do...), and that moved him to tears! (another uncharacterisitic FAT moment, although u prob see it more with FGVG...) this story... his life... gave weight to his message that True Love requires sacrifice and pain.

it's a hard message to hear, but it's the truth. i am always moved by stories or images of people who spend years or decades of their lives devoted to caring for... say... a down's syndrome child, or a bedridden mother, or a vegetable husband.... i always wonder how they do it.... and sometime i ask myself... would i do that?

it's really easy to get carried away by of romantic love... we say we wanna spend our lives with her, we will die for her and all that... but don't we see the deeper flaw here? i mean, it's easy to die for a person if you're so madly in love... you can't really grasp what you're missing, caught up in the moment, an impulsive desire to be a martyr... (no offense to Jesus, but there's a religious explanation why He's above this)

it's easy to die for another person, but it's not easy to LIVE for another person... of course you love her now, when she's beautiful and coy and makes you laugh... but can you still love her when she becomes a bag of wrinkles? when she becomes grumpy everyday? when she becomes sick and leeches the life out of life? when many other younger, funnier, sweeter girls pass you by? when a potentially carefree life passes you by? when everyday you yearn to leave her and take hold, grasp the ownership of a better, freer life that you should be living? when life passes you by? when you watch your glory days fly past you and you know they can never return? ever.

can you devote yourself to a person like that? can you wait? can you give up your life, your whole life, one day at a time, when it screams for you to claim it? i don't know if i can. but i deeply admire pple who do...

i guess that's why FAT really cried during the sermon on good friday... He said he wanted to leave the Priesthood. which means that he felt exactly this. he felt that his life was passing by him, and would continue to pass by him, if he did not claim it, if he did not leave the Priesthood.

but he held on bcos of love. a difficult love. a demanding love. a love that, most of the time, seems not worthwhile. love of what? of whom? God? the Church? a people who did not fully understand his sacrifice? it's hard to love when you don't get loved back. it's hard to love when you don't get understood. it's hard to love when most of the time you have to ask yourself "why am i doing this?" and have no answer. but he still chose to love.

that's probably why he cried. that's probably why he kept repeating himself. bcos the message--Christ's message--of True True Love, was so precious, and so tender, and so personal to him. and he literally poured out his entire life, his entire being, on stage, on the alter, for all of us to see. but how many of us saw it?

and that's why i respect FAT.

so yup, that's my bloggg enty for today... cya all ard... and i'll be 20 in five days... no more a teen...

that scares me.