the answer in jeans??? [Church, General/Catholics and Protestants]

this is a follow-up on my discussion yesterday. i always like interesting metaphors so here goes.

i think the answer may lie in jeans. yes, jeans. as in, the kind you wear.

apart for looking for a job, i've also spent the last few months looking for a good pair of jeans. i was looking for the skinny emo type, either full white or full black. alas, my search yielded no fruit for the last few months.

last week, i went on a desperate hunt for the perfect pair of jeans. i found many tops, but no jeans. i was so exasperated that i proclaimed that finding a great pair of jeans that worked for me, was like finding a life partner. very hard.

and luke replied that a lot of pple said that too.

hmm, so i was right i guess.

here's my problem. skinny jeans just don't work for me. most of the type i'm looking out for now are skinny. bootcut doesn't work too, cos i'm too short. straight is boring, and i have two really great pairs of straight cuts that i wear all the time, and all other jeans look similar. so everything was either too bland, not unique, or exciting but didn't suit me.

my searches seemed in vain.

but today, something interesting happened. it was a marvellously amazing day for me, even though i didn't plan any detail. and at the end of the day, on the train, when it seemed like it couldn't be more perfect, something interesting happened.

i really had to pee.

now, boon lay to pasir ris is no joke. it's a straight one hour plus plus train ride with no pee breaks. but i desperately needed one. so i alighted at city hall, and (reluctantly) paid the extra fee. thinking i might as well not waste the stop, i decided to browse around river island and topman, just for fun. i almost left, but then suddenly remembered that i was looking for jeans!!! so i turned back to serach one last time, just to give it a shot.

and i found this pair of full black jeans that were "Slim", which is in between skinny and straight. i knew i was short, so i needed Length 30. and so i deliberated between W32L30 and W30L30. W32 seemed to sit just perfectly, but W30 was more interesting. i almost left and asked luke to come back with his card on another day to but me the jeans so that i could use his discount. but then.... i realised that there was a sudden 20% discount, which was more than his 10%, and rendered his card useless for the period of the discount!!! so the $60 jeans became $47!!! so i didn't hesitate. i bought the jeans.

God paved the way perhaps?

thinking back... i think i see some lessons here. bcos i now know it's the perfect jeans for me. why? bcos:

1. i know i'm short, and L30 is the shortest, and L32 is too long, so my pair is not too short or too long.
2. i know it's not too big, cos W32 worked.
3. i know it's not too small, cos W30 looks more interesting than W32.
4. i know it's the best "slim" fit i can find, cos the only other one looked like the one i already have and it costs more than $100.
5. i know black is better than white cos the only white is skinny, which doesn't work for me.
6. i know black is better than red, or blue, for the same reasons above.

so in other words, this "perfect" jeans, and the PEACE in the certainty that it is indeed perfect, could only have come from hours and hours of endless searching and trying on of skinny jeans, long jeans, short jeans, and searching for different colours, patterns etc... in other words, disappointments have made me find the perfect pair. and this time, i wasn't even looking.

ok maybe, this is going a little too far and bordering on the superstitious... but maybe it's true. today, i was extra prayerful. i mean, i felt good today, so i started the day confident, and offered it up to God in prayer. i carried my Bible around (which is rare). and i prayed the rosary.

it's not a 'bao gao liao' thing, but more of an additive effect. you see, i started out the day feeling good. so i pray. and good things happen to me. and so i feel better, and happier. and so i pray even more. and more good things happen. it's just one of those really good days. and i owe it to God.

i mean, EVERYDAY is owed to Him, yes... but i felt that today, He went just that little bit extra. and it made my day. perhaps it's His way of reminding me that He really is God. The big guy. The Big Kahuna. The boss. The guy who can make or break me, or anyone else, for that matter!

So it's a timely reminder to trust in Him. Right when i need it most.

And perhaps the answer does lie in my slim jeans...? That all this searching, all this confusion, stress, frustration, and anxiety over my destiny.... all these questions.... perhaps all of them ARE indeed necessary. in order for me, when i get in the final Uni course, be it Local or Overseas, be it Engineering or Medicine or whatever, be it sponsored or self-funded, be it NUS or NTU or SMU... whatever!!! that where i end up, i will know that it is perfect for me. like the perfect jeans.

or maybe not.

maybe it'll all never end.

but it is days like these that make life worth living. it is days like these that remind me, with ever greater certainty, that there is a Big Guy out there, and that He's looking out for me.

Amen.

thinking about thinking [General]

what really is wrong with me?

what i mean is, why am i never able to find what i want? as in, in a job?

let's break it down. i think what i really want, deep down inside, is to be settled. it's a strong desire to know--for sure--my purpose in life, my destiny, what i am meant to do, and to be content about it for the rest of my life, because that's what i'm meant to do. i want to stop beating about the bush.

paradoxically, it's probably precisely this desire to be settled that keeps me being unsettled. confused? me too, i think... it's a bit of a new revelation for me, too so please let me explain.

all my life, ever since the first streaming in sec 2, i have had doubts, uncertainties, decisions, fears. i have desperately searched for direction, answers, and had been all too eager to realise a so-called 'epiphany' or 'enlightenment', aka the 'eureka' or 'aha!' moment.

when i said i loved history. when a friend told me i was 'meant' to be a teacher. when my friends and brothers said how good i was at teaching. when i decided against studying abroad in jc2. when i decided i loved physics. when i decided (just 2 years later) that, in fact, no, i hated physics but loved biology. when my dad said that i could achieve my full potential, and i decided to do medicine. when i read a book on job-hunting that gave me new perspectives. when i decided i wanted to study economics. and now i'm even deciding... hmm... maybe i could do law, too? army. ordeals. tuition. scouts. community work. physics olympiad. all these "key events" that amount to naught, bcos they gave me key 'revelations' which were contradicting, and now it would seem that my direction is all muddled up.

and after years of so called "life-changing revelations", i perhaps realise the one revelation that really does matter... that there is no such thing as a revelation at all.

or perhaps this is just another one of these bogus revelations. but then again, it's a paradox, and may or may not exist. eg like "this statement is false" kinda thing, but i'm really getting technical here, and i guess you see my point...

and i don't know. my second year of job/degree/scholarship hunting is ending in another dead end. and i'm about to move into my third year, my final shot, my last chance. in a sense, it is a bit of a relief, that i would be settled (cos i can't possibly make any sound changes after this) but then i would have to come face to face with (possibly my ultimate) fear of "sealing the deal", closing the door to options, coming face to face with my destiny, and the possibility of going down a path which i would regret.

it is not too late, i still have a year left for soul-searching. but it is precisely this desire to keep it within this "not too late" stage of limbo that prevents me from making the commitments that are required to succeed and be settled.

i think too much.

pray for me. please.

pray for us, [Church, LOM]

everyone in Our Lady Of Mount Carmel Junior Curia, who reads this, pls pray for us... your prayers are needed now more than ever.

Important things are going on that could make or break us. What that is, is not right to reveal now. there is a battle that must be fought, and once again some of us are called to stand by each other. we must throw our weight behind those who speak for us, and be prepared to make a stand.

for those who read this and do not understand, know this: it's ok. this battle is not yours, although you will certainly feel its effects. your role now is the same as always, to pray. pray for us, pray for the Curia officers, pray for the mission of Legion.

above all, remember this: hold true to your heart the mission of the Legion, which is perfectly in sync with the mission of the Church, of whom Christ is the head. although we are organised in specific groups, we do not work for these individual groups, rather, we work for God. always remember that. so many people forget it, and that will cause much suffering and confusion. but know who your Master is, and there is no confusion. we will speak on the side of truth. but keep your hearts open to God, avoid sin, read the Bible, pray, be receptive to the Holy Spirit, and you will not be deluded away from the truth. listen to Him, and you will bravely face those who wrongly accuse you of working against Him.

and pray. always pray.

and when you pray, know that it works. when you pray, know that you are making a difference. when you pray, know that even though you may not know what you are praying for, if you are praying for God's Will to be done, it is already a great and powerful prayer. pray in faith. trust in God.

and pray now for the Legion. everything will be revealed in time, but for the time being pray for us: that God will sustain us, that Jesus will be with us, that the Holy Spirit will guide us, and that Mother Mary will pray for us and with us. pray for the future of LOM, which is dependent on more than just this battle, but many more battles on the fronts faced at the Presedium level. each presedium faces a battle, pray for each of them too, especially pray for sound leadership.

for those of you who DO know what i'm talking about, we must unite in this. don't worry too much, whatever the outcome, we must allow ourselves to be guided by God, we must know what our morals are, and they will be our guide and our shield. hold them close. hold God close.

it'll be ok.

ANNOUNCEMENT, [General]

With effect from this entry, I am separating my blog entries into categories, so that ALL readers can read easily things that are related to them.

The categories are:

General--for all
Family--for my family
Army--for my BMT or 8SAB friends
VJC--for my VJ friends, esp those from 05S16
Scouts--for my wichita scout friends
Church, general--for all Catholics
Church, LOM--for my Legion Of Mary friends
Church, Cathecism--for my CON 1 Class or fellow Cathecists
Church, Catholics and Protestants--entries aimed at ALL Christians

The categories will appear in square brackets, [like this] and if an article is aimed at mor than one group, it will be separated by a slash, like this: [Family/Church, general]

Hopefully, I won't need to explain too much terminology from now on.... And if you don't fall in that category, feel free to read, at your own risk of being confused by jargon or terminology or acronyms that are not meant for you...

OK, hope this works!!!

my first... eulogy?

i've been planning to write this ever since i heard the news of Grandpa's passing. a... draft 1 eulogy... you might call it...? been really busy yesterday with the wake and all, and now got some free time to kick back and write this...



when i heard of his passing, i strived to recall what exactly his last words to me were... the last two times i met him alive, he was incapable of saying anything, and too weak... So this means that it goes a while back.



So i suppose i'll have to settle with this incident: We were in Grandpa's house visiting him, and he called me over. He asked me if I was going to be a doctor. I said nicely, No, knowing that his memory was poor and he was probably still stuck in that period last year when I was applying for medicine. So he said that I was the smartest Ortega (which is the family's opinion), and that I had to bring greatness to the name. My parents were around me at that time, and it was all very awkward. So i said, awkwardly, something like... ok i'll try. And so that was it.



At this point i must state that, unlike most people, i am fortunate enough to have parents who do not place unrealistic expectations on me. But everyone wants us to live up to our fullest potential. And on further reflection, I think that i don't really see and of us Ortegas achieving really prestigious or shining professions. So i feel a subtle pressure for greatness.



And as i said, that was it. I suppose if grandpa had known that would be his last words to me, he would have said something else. But, to steal a line from Jim Carrey, that's the way the cookie crumbles.



And so now i think i'm probably destined not to fulfill this. In this past few years, I have suffered many failures and rejections. My fencing pretty much failed, drama CCA failed, NTU Challenge didn't get any prize, got ungraded for Bio S Paper, failed to be an Officer, rejected by PSC, rejected (in a way) by MOE, rejected by Firefly, even rejected by SPH. It would appear that, after ngee ann sec, my whole life is spiralling downward, and i ask my self: what the hell am i doing wrong?



and the most frustrating part is, that i have excellent A level results, and all for what? What do they get you? A few praises here and there, but where is my overseas scholarship? where is my path to greatness? where is my medicine course? where is my Government job? not with me, that's for sure. For all my results, hard work, and restless nights, all i am left with is an uncertain future. i suppose i will lead a stable life, but it is a path of mediocrity. and can i accept that? how can i be the great Ortega that Grandpa wanted me to be? how can i fulfill this niche, of which i am the family's greatest hope? are we Filipino Catholics doomed to achieving less than waht we can really be?



then when thinking about what to say about grandpa i rememberd this sad state of mine, albeit with a twist: a Bible quote, which is one of my favourite and most inspiring quotes: and it goes:



"Not by might, Not by power, but by the Spirit of the Lord."

Zachariah 4:6



So i suppose that's the answer to all this? Trust in God. And He will lead me to fulfill my true destiny. Destiny is not what people expects of us, but what God wants for us. He leads us thru failures and disappointments to , in His own weird but perfect way, make us become who we are supposed to be. All we have to do is keep at it, work hard, and above all, Trust in Him.



And, yes, looking at the three Ortegas i know closest--My Grandpa, My father and My Father's Brother, all of their own lives were controlled largely by uncontrollable circumstances. In other words, God lead them to where they are.

and i suppose that this is all a reminder that i've gotta be consistent with my values, to do what i've been doing all along, to continue along the path that got me here in the first place, and all the time to know that th e Spirit of the Lord is my greatest might, my greatest power, my secret weapon, and my key to greatness.

but when all is said and done, this blog entry isn't about me, it's about him, my late Grandpa. So then, wht of his last words to me? what of his hopes? does this revelation, then, somewhat diminish the significance of his last important words to me? No. rather, it opens my eyes to see the true purpose of those words, even if it was not apparent to Grandpa alphonso himself when he said it. and it was to remind me of this. to remind me to keep on going for the best, but to Trrust in the Spirit of the Lord, and in His power and wisdom in all these. all i had to do is allow God to help me read between the lines.

and that is who my Grandpa always was to me. a beacon of advise (even if mostly thru my own father), and an instrument for God to speak to me. my fondest memories of him was, funnily, petty gambling on holiday trips, with small coins and cards and all the cousins, and it was all really fun and memorable.... it showed me that such a great role model was ok with having this kind of fun, and that life itself was about fun and humour, friends and family, as long as God remained in the picture...

and so this is my tribute to a man who lived for God, and for all of us. a great musician, a great father, a great grandfather, and a man who lived--not by might, not by power, but by the Spirit of the Lord.

his blood is in my instrument, and his song is in my soul.