thinking about thinking [General]

what really is wrong with me?

what i mean is, why am i never able to find what i want? as in, in a job?

let's break it down. i think what i really want, deep down inside, is to be settled. it's a strong desire to know--for sure--my purpose in life, my destiny, what i am meant to do, and to be content about it for the rest of my life, because that's what i'm meant to do. i want to stop beating about the bush.

paradoxically, it's probably precisely this desire to be settled that keeps me being unsettled. confused? me too, i think... it's a bit of a new revelation for me, too so please let me explain.

all my life, ever since the first streaming in sec 2, i have had doubts, uncertainties, decisions, fears. i have desperately searched for direction, answers, and had been all too eager to realise a so-called 'epiphany' or 'enlightenment', aka the 'eureka' or 'aha!' moment.

when i said i loved history. when a friend told me i was 'meant' to be a teacher. when my friends and brothers said how good i was at teaching. when i decided against studying abroad in jc2. when i decided i loved physics. when i decided (just 2 years later) that, in fact, no, i hated physics but loved biology. when my dad said that i could achieve my full potential, and i decided to do medicine. when i read a book on job-hunting that gave me new perspectives. when i decided i wanted to study economics. and now i'm even deciding... hmm... maybe i could do law, too? army. ordeals. tuition. scouts. community work. physics olympiad. all these "key events" that amount to naught, bcos they gave me key 'revelations' which were contradicting, and now it would seem that my direction is all muddled up.

and after years of so called "life-changing revelations", i perhaps realise the one revelation that really does matter... that there is no such thing as a revelation at all.

or perhaps this is just another one of these bogus revelations. but then again, it's a paradox, and may or may not exist. eg like "this statement is false" kinda thing, but i'm really getting technical here, and i guess you see my point...

and i don't know. my second year of job/degree/scholarship hunting is ending in another dead end. and i'm about to move into my third year, my final shot, my last chance. in a sense, it is a bit of a relief, that i would be settled (cos i can't possibly make any sound changes after this) but then i would have to come face to face with (possibly my ultimate) fear of "sealing the deal", closing the door to options, coming face to face with my destiny, and the possibility of going down a path which i would regret.

it is not too late, i still have a year left for soul-searching. but it is precisely this desire to keep it within this "not too late" stage of limbo that prevents me from making the commitments that are required to succeed and be settled.

i think too much.

pray for me. please.