my first... eulogy?

i've been planning to write this ever since i heard the news of Grandpa's passing. a... draft 1 eulogy... you might call it...? been really busy yesterday with the wake and all, and now got some free time to kick back and write this...



when i heard of his passing, i strived to recall what exactly his last words to me were... the last two times i met him alive, he was incapable of saying anything, and too weak... So this means that it goes a while back.



So i suppose i'll have to settle with this incident: We were in Grandpa's house visiting him, and he called me over. He asked me if I was going to be a doctor. I said nicely, No, knowing that his memory was poor and he was probably still stuck in that period last year when I was applying for medicine. So he said that I was the smartest Ortega (which is the family's opinion), and that I had to bring greatness to the name. My parents were around me at that time, and it was all very awkward. So i said, awkwardly, something like... ok i'll try. And so that was it.



At this point i must state that, unlike most people, i am fortunate enough to have parents who do not place unrealistic expectations on me. But everyone wants us to live up to our fullest potential. And on further reflection, I think that i don't really see and of us Ortegas achieving really prestigious or shining professions. So i feel a subtle pressure for greatness.



And as i said, that was it. I suppose if grandpa had known that would be his last words to me, he would have said something else. But, to steal a line from Jim Carrey, that's the way the cookie crumbles.



And so now i think i'm probably destined not to fulfill this. In this past few years, I have suffered many failures and rejections. My fencing pretty much failed, drama CCA failed, NTU Challenge didn't get any prize, got ungraded for Bio S Paper, failed to be an Officer, rejected by PSC, rejected (in a way) by MOE, rejected by Firefly, even rejected by SPH. It would appear that, after ngee ann sec, my whole life is spiralling downward, and i ask my self: what the hell am i doing wrong?



and the most frustrating part is, that i have excellent A level results, and all for what? What do they get you? A few praises here and there, but where is my overseas scholarship? where is my path to greatness? where is my medicine course? where is my Government job? not with me, that's for sure. For all my results, hard work, and restless nights, all i am left with is an uncertain future. i suppose i will lead a stable life, but it is a path of mediocrity. and can i accept that? how can i be the great Ortega that Grandpa wanted me to be? how can i fulfill this niche, of which i am the family's greatest hope? are we Filipino Catholics doomed to achieving less than waht we can really be?



then when thinking about what to say about grandpa i rememberd this sad state of mine, albeit with a twist: a Bible quote, which is one of my favourite and most inspiring quotes: and it goes:



"Not by might, Not by power, but by the Spirit of the Lord."

Zachariah 4:6



So i suppose that's the answer to all this? Trust in God. And He will lead me to fulfill my true destiny. Destiny is not what people expects of us, but what God wants for us. He leads us thru failures and disappointments to , in His own weird but perfect way, make us become who we are supposed to be. All we have to do is keep at it, work hard, and above all, Trust in Him.



And, yes, looking at the three Ortegas i know closest--My Grandpa, My father and My Father's Brother, all of their own lives were controlled largely by uncontrollable circumstances. In other words, God lead them to where they are.

and i suppose that this is all a reminder that i've gotta be consistent with my values, to do what i've been doing all along, to continue along the path that got me here in the first place, and all the time to know that th e Spirit of the Lord is my greatest might, my greatest power, my secret weapon, and my key to greatness.

but when all is said and done, this blog entry isn't about me, it's about him, my late Grandpa. So then, wht of his last words to me? what of his hopes? does this revelation, then, somewhat diminish the significance of his last important words to me? No. rather, it opens my eyes to see the true purpose of those words, even if it was not apparent to Grandpa alphonso himself when he said it. and it was to remind me of this. to remind me to keep on going for the best, but to Trrust in the Spirit of the Lord, and in His power and wisdom in all these. all i had to do is allow God to help me read between the lines.

and that is who my Grandpa always was to me. a beacon of advise (even if mostly thru my own father), and an instrument for God to speak to me. my fondest memories of him was, funnily, petty gambling on holiday trips, with small coins and cards and all the cousins, and it was all really fun and memorable.... it showed me that such a great role model was ok with having this kind of fun, and that life itself was about fun and humour, friends and family, as long as God remained in the picture...

and so this is my tribute to a man who lived for God, and for all of us. a great musician, a great father, a great grandfather, and a man who lived--not by might, not by power, but by the Spirit of the Lord.

his blood is in my instrument, and his song is in my soul.