ok i changed format again.
i'm really experimenting here.
I like this one much better, but how to get rid of the heart thing?
hmm...
"your smiling eyes are just a mirror for the sun."
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Friday, October 06, 2006
new format
ok so here's the new format. i got it from blogskins.com... it was the nicest one i could find so far... the creater's name is there... and somehow, the titles for my entries don't appear... oh well...
anw, now i'm really really just so busy and so dam tired everyday...
hope u guys like the format... i've always loved the city at night... it's enchanting.
anw, now i'm really really just so busy and so dam tired everyday...
hope u guys like the format... i've always loved the city at night... it's enchanting.
ok now i know
haha now i know why nobody leaves comments... my settings were for registered users only! haha how stupid was that... well everyone, that's changed. now u can comment as u like.
ok, i also just found out that there's a website that gives u good blog formats instead of the boring old samples listed on blogger! hah! i'm gonna check it out.
see how tech dumb i am. so everyone pls help me. if my blog is getting too boring then, it's probably bcos i don't know how to make it more exciting...
ok, i also just found out that there's a website that gives u good blog formats instead of the boring old samples listed on blogger! hah! i'm gonna check it out.
see how tech dumb i am. so everyone pls help me. if my blog is getting too boring then, it's probably bcos i don't know how to make it more exciting...
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
ok i'm back again
hmm... it seems nobody is really reading this blog... is it bcos i never updated much recently, or cos the layout is too boring...? i realise having a plain white layout really bores the pants off everyone... not my fault that i'm shitty at technology... ok, i'll do sth abt it i guess.... or issit a lot of pple read it, but don't wanna comment? hmm... if u read this blog and want more, just comment la... it won't hurt, man...
been real busy with my prelims all the way until today... that's it for now... see if i can change my blog layout, ok?
been real busy with my prelims all the way until today... that's it for now... see if i can change my blog layout, ok?
Saturday, September 02, 2006
The Bridesmaid
ok all u poor souls who are reading this... here's my attempt at writing a song.... well, i just wrote the lyrics, but it's structured in the style of a song i guess... anyone wanna write a tune for it? ok so here goes....
The Bridesmaid
The Bridesmaid
She looked real pretty in that dress
Of onion soup and cream caress
The pearls that shine in the orient
The love of swines in rooms for rent.
Yeah this girl
She wanted one of you.
Oh yeah this girl,
She wanted,
She waited,
She died.
The dark man,
Who walks in shadows of street lights
Of bright blue sounds and kangaroo fights.
His eyes spell hope of abandonment,
The breath of plastic fifty cents.
Yeah this man
He wanted one of you.
Oh yeah this man,
He wanted,
He waited,
He died.
The queer boy.
He loved cookies, cakes and clefts
A million kisses, right of left?
Kissing boys in gthe days gone by
When Peter Pan, he still could fly.
Yeah this boy,
He wanted one of you.
Oh yeah this boy,
He wanted,
He waited,
He died.
Oh yeah,
They all wanted one of you.
Oh yeah,
They all wanted you.
A part of you.
A part of you.
Love your neighbour as yourself.
Drink Coke in cans that can eat with chopsticks.
Don't ask what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country.
Turtles' eggs are found in sand.
Piano keys are white and black.
You will reap what you sow.
The camel's hump don't like Jazz.
The tortoise wins the hare if the hare sleeps.
Flowers swirl and time tastes like coffee.
So who is faster?
The one who wishes on the star.
Yeah this girl,
She wanted one of you.
Oh yeah this girl
She wanted,
She waited,
She died.
And the bridesmaid smiles.
ok ladies and gentlemen, that is my song. pls tell me what you think of it... all u have to do is click on the button below that says "comment". thank you very much. have a lovely life.
The Bridesmaid
The Bridesmaid
She looked real pretty in that dress
Of onion soup and cream caress
The pearls that shine in the orient
The love of swines in rooms for rent.
Yeah this girl
She wanted one of you.
Oh yeah this girl,
She wanted,
She waited,
She died.
The dark man,
Who walks in shadows of street lights
Of bright blue sounds and kangaroo fights.
His eyes spell hope of abandonment,
The breath of plastic fifty cents.
Yeah this man
He wanted one of you.
Oh yeah this man,
He wanted,
He waited,
He died.
The queer boy.
He loved cookies, cakes and clefts
A million kisses, right of left?
Kissing boys in gthe days gone by
When Peter Pan, he still could fly.
Yeah this boy,
He wanted one of you.
Oh yeah this boy,
He wanted,
He waited,
He died.
Oh yeah,
They all wanted one of you.
Oh yeah,
They all wanted you.
A part of you.
A part of you.
Love your neighbour as yourself.
Drink Coke in cans that can eat with chopsticks.
Don't ask what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country.
Turtles' eggs are found in sand.
Piano keys are white and black.
You will reap what you sow.
The camel's hump don't like Jazz.
The tortoise wins the hare if the hare sleeps.
Flowers swirl and time tastes like coffee.
So who is faster?
The one who wishes on the star.
Yeah this girl,
She wanted one of you.
Oh yeah this girl
She wanted,
She waited,
She died.
And the bridesmaid smiles.
ok ladies and gentlemen, that is my song. pls tell me what you think of it... all u have to do is click on the button below that says "comment". thank you very much. have a lovely life.
Friday, August 18, 2006
Valerie
This is from V for Vendetta. Evey gets it while she's in prison being tortured.
I don't know who you are. Please believe. There is no way I can convince you that this is not one of their tricks. But I don't care. I am me, and I don't know who you are, but I love you.
I have a pencil. A little one they did not find. I am a woman. I hid it inside me. Perhaps I won't be able to write again, so this is a long letter about my life. It is the only autobiography I have ever written and oh God I'm writing it on toilet paper.
I was born in Nottingham in 1957, and it rained a lot. I passed my eleven plus and went to girl's Grammar. I wanted to be an actress.
I met my first girlfriend at school. Her name was Sara. She was fourteen and I was fifteen but we were both in Miss. Watson's class. Her wrists. Her wrists were beautiful. I sat in biology class, staring at the picket rabbit foetus in its jar, listening while Mr. Hird said it was an adolescent phase that people outgrew. Sara did. I didn't.
In 1976 I stopped pretending and took a girl called Christine home to meet my parents. A week later I enrolled at drama college. My mother said I broke her heart.
But it was my integrity that was important. Is that so selfish? It sells for so little, but it's all we have left in this place. It is the very last inch of us. But within that inch we are free.
London. I was happy in London. In 1981 I played Dandini in Cinderella. My first rep work. The world was strange and rustling and busy, with invisible crowds behind the hot lights and all that breathless glamour. It was exciting and it was lonely. At nights I'd go to the Crew-Ins or one of the other clubs. But I was stand-offish and didn't mix easily. I saw a lot of the scene, but I never felt comfortable there. So many of them just wanted to be gay. It was their life, their ambition. And I wanted more than that.
Work improved. I got small film roles, then bigger ones. In 1986 I starred in "The Salt Flats." It pulled in the awards but not the crowds. I met Ruth while working on that. We loved each other. We lived together and on Valentine's Day she sent me roses and oh God, we had so much. Those were the best three years of my life.
In 1988 there was the war, and after that there were no more roses. Not for anybody.
In 1992 they started rounding up the gays. They took Ruth while she was out looking for food. Why are they so frightened of us? They burned her with cigarette ends and made her give them my name. She signed a statement saying I'd seduced her. I didn't blame her. God, I loved her. I didn't blame her.
But she did. She killed herself in her cell. She couldn't live with betraying me, with giving up that last inch. Oh Ruth. . . .
They came for me. They told me that all of my films would be burned. They shaved off my hair and held my head down a toilet bowl and told jokes about lesbians. They brought me here and gave me drugs. I can't feel my tongue anymore. I can't speak.
The other gay women here, Rita, died two weeks ago. I imagine I'll die quite soon. It's strange that my life should end in such a terrible place, but for three years I had roses and I apologized to nobody.
I shall die here. Every last inch of me shall perish. Except one.
An inch. It's small and it's fragile and it's the only thing in the world worth having. We must never lose it, or sell it, or give it away. We must never let them take it from us.
I don't know who you are. Or whether you're a man or a woman. I may never see you or cry with you or get drunk with you. But I love you. I hope that you escape this place. I hope that the world turns and that things get better, and that one day people have roses again. I wish I could kiss you.
Valerie
X
I don't know who you are. Please believe. There is no way I can convince you that this is not one of their tricks. But I don't care. I am me, and I don't know who you are, but I love you.
I have a pencil. A little one they did not find. I am a woman. I hid it inside me. Perhaps I won't be able to write again, so this is a long letter about my life. It is the only autobiography I have ever written and oh God I'm writing it on toilet paper.
I was born in Nottingham in 1957, and it rained a lot. I passed my eleven plus and went to girl's Grammar. I wanted to be an actress.
I met my first girlfriend at school. Her name was Sara. She was fourteen and I was fifteen but we were both in Miss. Watson's class. Her wrists. Her wrists were beautiful. I sat in biology class, staring at the picket rabbit foetus in its jar, listening while Mr. Hird said it was an adolescent phase that people outgrew. Sara did. I didn't.
In 1976 I stopped pretending and took a girl called Christine home to meet my parents. A week later I enrolled at drama college. My mother said I broke her heart.
But it was my integrity that was important. Is that so selfish? It sells for so little, but it's all we have left in this place. It is the very last inch of us. But within that inch we are free.
London. I was happy in London. In 1981 I played Dandini in Cinderella. My first rep work. The world was strange and rustling and busy, with invisible crowds behind the hot lights and all that breathless glamour. It was exciting and it was lonely. At nights I'd go to the Crew-Ins or one of the other clubs. But I was stand-offish and didn't mix easily. I saw a lot of the scene, but I never felt comfortable there. So many of them just wanted to be gay. It was their life, their ambition. And I wanted more than that.
Work improved. I got small film roles, then bigger ones. In 1986 I starred in "The Salt Flats." It pulled in the awards but not the crowds. I met Ruth while working on that. We loved each other. We lived together and on Valentine's Day she sent me roses and oh God, we had so much. Those were the best three years of my life.
In 1988 there was the war, and after that there were no more roses. Not for anybody.
In 1992 they started rounding up the gays. They took Ruth while she was out looking for food. Why are they so frightened of us? They burned her with cigarette ends and made her give them my name. She signed a statement saying I'd seduced her. I didn't blame her. God, I loved her. I didn't blame her.
But she did. She killed herself in her cell. She couldn't live with betraying me, with giving up that last inch. Oh Ruth. . . .
They came for me. They told me that all of my films would be burned. They shaved off my hair and held my head down a toilet bowl and told jokes about lesbians. They brought me here and gave me drugs. I can't feel my tongue anymore. I can't speak.
The other gay women here, Rita, died two weeks ago. I imagine I'll die quite soon. It's strange that my life should end in such a terrible place, but for three years I had roses and I apologized to nobody.
I shall die here. Every last inch of me shall perish. Except one.
An inch. It's small and it's fragile and it's the only thing in the world worth having. We must never lose it, or sell it, or give it away. We must never let them take it from us.
I don't know who you are. Or whether you're a man or a woman. I may never see you or cry with you or get drunk with you. But I love you. I hope that you escape this place. I hope that the world turns and that things get better, and that one day people have roses again. I wish I could kiss you.
Valerie
X
my life so far
hey today i met cassandra... this primary school classmate i never saw for ages... think the last time i saw her it was sec2 i think... so yea it was really cool cos i walked into this classroom and my class was there then she was there mugging with them wearing the vj tee so i was like... eh... is that...? so i don't wanna ask cos usually these kind of situations it's just someone who looks really like the actual person but is not the actual person and u go "eh r u cassandra?" and she goes "who?" but this time it was the real person and she knew junkiat so she decided to mug with my class in the classroom... and guess what? despite my initial inhibitions, i still succeeded in looking like an idiot cos the first question i asked was "eh... what u doing here?" so it was like i was so defensive and looked like someone whose husband just came back from a night full of drinking... (btw this metaphor implies i'm an angry old wife, not myself, cos i don't see myself having husbands anytime in the near future thank u very much) so yea i upheld the jumpoverthewall legacy of never failing to look stupid... haha but that's really ok...
yes i know i've devoted an entire paragraph to a boring event like meeting an old friend but u know, sadly, now that we're all in mugging mode, that's really one of the more exctiting events in my life these days... oh i helped paint a banner for mr beetsma yesterday... it was really all sheeyin and clara's work, i just helped put in a few colours. and i realised shiling is really skilled at toning with multicolours, and sherli too. (yes i know this phrasing implies shiling uses sherli to tone but i don't care) so ya that was the highlight of yesterday... but it was really kind of fun watching sheeyin and clara get every single finger of them a different colour and not care abt the toxic stuff and all... actually i think its not toxic.... ok i know some of u pple will be thinking i'm some kind of special breed of gentleman who lets girls get their hands dirty but keep mine clean... yea well... haha... tough... ok i have an excuse:
ok i don't have an excuse. i just didn't want to get my hands dirty yesterday. and besides i'll have two whole years to get my hands dirty while theirs' are clean.
oh and the piece de resistance (please do not read this as it is, its french; i just dunno how to put in the strokes on top of the words... *_*) so as i was saying, the piece de resistance of my week was my visit to the library book sale. u know, the newspaper said come 1.5 hours early. so i thought: yea, eat ur shit la straits times... s'poreans are not that book loving.... i hate it when the s'pore media blow stuff out of proprotion to try and make s'poreans look like what they're not...
but this time, omg the starits times was right, man! s'poreans impressed me with their enthusiasm for literature and the great works of Mankind. the line was extemely long. it took me 1/2 an hour to get in. pple camped there i think. and i was lining up next to some delightful pple. in front of me was this really weird ang mo guy discussing with an indian guy abt america, when he's clearly not american. and behind me was these 2 guys discussing how to plot a graph of how many pple come aginst dunno what. and then they discussed the probability of a person leaving the line... and how that is inversely related to the opportunity cost of leaving the line... haha u know what the worst part is? i can actually remember what they said... and i'll probably end up like that in the near future if i don't fight gravity. so ok, i finally manage to get in the booksale and find that all the books are going for 2 dollars each. sweet! so i rush to the crowd.... there was practically no spae to walk or breathe... pple were constantly moving and pushing and u had to keep moving. pple were just chucking like 50 books into their plastic bags, baskets and trolleys. (yes, trolleys, so strategically brought from home, relieved of their menial duties of carrying busloads of groceries to and from the market, and ennobled with the sacred task of being graced by the pages upon pages of literature for the great duty of enriching singaporeans' minds) so yeah they just whack and pile their modes of transportation with books galore (like abt 50 per person) and take them to one corner and sift thru them one by one to decide on what they wanna buy. so i tries to take the moral high ground and tell myself i'm better than them. that i have more finesse, more class, but guess what? lemme give u a quote from alice in wonderland.
"but i don't want to be mad." said alice.
"we're all mad here, i'm mad, he's mad, you're mad." said the mad hatter.
"but how do u know i'm mad?"said alice to the mad hatter.
"of course you're mad,"replied the mad hatter, "otherwise, you wouldn't be here."
ya so first i want to say one thing. looking at this, i think lewis carroll is really twisted. he's probably a psycho or close to being a psycho. i mean if he were not mad, he wouldn't write abt this right? so ya i guess i'm as singaporean as all the rest of my beloved countrymen. so if u can't beat them, join them. i thus began my frantic hunt for good literature admist the widerness of outdated programing books and teen books like "boywatching" and "sweet valley university". by the way, i'm thinking of applying to sweet valley university. it'll be killer on my resume (ladies and gentlemen, this is french, too). and i joined the hunters in their ingenious hunting methods. after all, if i weren't mad, i wouldn't have ended up in a place that sells reject books that nobody wants to borrow any more. so after an hour or two i returned to the checkout counter, my prize (8 books) brandished proudly in my hands, a young hunter back with with his first kill. i joined the greats, the true shopping veterans, the hardcore lovers of good literature, the heroes our country needs. i join them, humbled as my 8 measley books trembled beneath the shadow of their hundreds of books, laden in half-bursting plastic bags, spilling from bright red trolleys that were once the lowly transporters in sheng siong supermarket, the spoils of glorious war, the ruins of an exhibition room raped and ravaged. i stood humbled at the piles upon piles of literature that was going to enrich the minds of the hunters, bcos i'm sure that the moment they get home, every single one of these heros are going to read every single page of what they bought so cleverly with so little money. btw, i haven't started on any of those 8 books i've bought yet. i feel so ashamed.
yup so that's my life so far. sounds exciting right?
yes i know i've devoted an entire paragraph to a boring event like meeting an old friend but u know, sadly, now that we're all in mugging mode, that's really one of the more exctiting events in my life these days... oh i helped paint a banner for mr beetsma yesterday... it was really all sheeyin and clara's work, i just helped put in a few colours. and i realised shiling is really skilled at toning with multicolours, and sherli too. (yes i know this phrasing implies shiling uses sherli to tone but i don't care) so ya that was the highlight of yesterday... but it was really kind of fun watching sheeyin and clara get every single finger of them a different colour and not care abt the toxic stuff and all... actually i think its not toxic.... ok i know some of u pple will be thinking i'm some kind of special breed of gentleman who lets girls get their hands dirty but keep mine clean... yea well... haha... tough... ok i have an excuse:
ok i don't have an excuse. i just didn't want to get my hands dirty yesterday. and besides i'll have two whole years to get my hands dirty while theirs' are clean.
oh and the piece de resistance (please do not read this as it is, its french; i just dunno how to put in the strokes on top of the words... *_*) so as i was saying, the piece de resistance of my week was my visit to the library book sale. u know, the newspaper said come 1.5 hours early. so i thought: yea, eat ur shit la straits times... s'poreans are not that book loving.... i hate it when the s'pore media blow stuff out of proprotion to try and make s'poreans look like what they're not...
but this time, omg the starits times was right, man! s'poreans impressed me with their enthusiasm for literature and the great works of Mankind. the line was extemely long. it took me 1/2 an hour to get in. pple camped there i think. and i was lining up next to some delightful pple. in front of me was this really weird ang mo guy discussing with an indian guy abt america, when he's clearly not american. and behind me was these 2 guys discussing how to plot a graph of how many pple come aginst dunno what. and then they discussed the probability of a person leaving the line... and how that is inversely related to the opportunity cost of leaving the line... haha u know what the worst part is? i can actually remember what they said... and i'll probably end up like that in the near future if i don't fight gravity. so ok, i finally manage to get in the booksale and find that all the books are going for 2 dollars each. sweet! so i rush to the crowd.... there was practically no spae to walk or breathe... pple were constantly moving and pushing and u had to keep moving. pple were just chucking like 50 books into their plastic bags, baskets and trolleys. (yes, trolleys, so strategically brought from home, relieved of their menial duties of carrying busloads of groceries to and from the market, and ennobled with the sacred task of being graced by the pages upon pages of literature for the great duty of enriching singaporeans' minds) so yeah they just whack and pile their modes of transportation with books galore (like abt 50 per person) and take them to one corner and sift thru them one by one to decide on what they wanna buy. so i tries to take the moral high ground and tell myself i'm better than them. that i have more finesse, more class, but guess what? lemme give u a quote from alice in wonderland.
"but i don't want to be mad." said alice.
"we're all mad here, i'm mad, he's mad, you're mad." said the mad hatter.
"but how do u know i'm mad?"said alice to the mad hatter.
"of course you're mad,"replied the mad hatter, "otherwise, you wouldn't be here."
ya so first i want to say one thing. looking at this, i think lewis carroll is really twisted. he's probably a psycho or close to being a psycho. i mean if he were not mad, he wouldn't write abt this right? so ya i guess i'm as singaporean as all the rest of my beloved countrymen. so if u can't beat them, join them. i thus began my frantic hunt for good literature admist the widerness of outdated programing books and teen books like "boywatching" and "sweet valley university". by the way, i'm thinking of applying to sweet valley university. it'll be killer on my resume (ladies and gentlemen, this is french, too). and i joined the hunters in their ingenious hunting methods. after all, if i weren't mad, i wouldn't have ended up in a place that sells reject books that nobody wants to borrow any more. so after an hour or two i returned to the checkout counter, my prize (8 books) brandished proudly in my hands, a young hunter back with with his first kill. i joined the greats, the true shopping veterans, the hardcore lovers of good literature, the heroes our country needs. i join them, humbled as my 8 measley books trembled beneath the shadow of their hundreds of books, laden in half-bursting plastic bags, spilling from bright red trolleys that were once the lowly transporters in sheng siong supermarket, the spoils of glorious war, the ruins of an exhibition room raped and ravaged. i stood humbled at the piles upon piles of literature that was going to enrich the minds of the hunters, bcos i'm sure that the moment they get home, every single one of these heros are going to read every single page of what they bought so cleverly with so little money. btw, i haven't started on any of those 8 books i've bought yet. i feel so ashamed.
yup so that's my life so far. sounds exciting right?
Friday, August 11, 2006
i'm back.
hey i haven't blogged for ages... been real busy but tonight, i'm back! u know, i really don't have much to write about since my life this past few days have been all about mugging la basically. let's see... i bought this really cool book, the Books Of Magic, by Neil Gaiman. It's about this guy called Timothy Hunter, and it's kind of like Harry Potter but only a million times better cos it's darker and more mature.
ok National Day celebrations were really bad. i know i shouldn't be criticising the poor hardworking pple in vj who made everything come together, but it was seriously bad. i tell u, if i see another singapore idol spoof i'll literally shit myself. making spoofs of american idol was really a thing we do like 2 years ago, and to do it now is really old and lame and a hopeless excuse for humor.
ooh but u know what's funny? check out this video on you tube called "borat", check out the one that lasts 24 minutes. really hilarious.
ok haha i'm now chatting with this guy online and he asks me if i'm chinese, cos my name is ortega. so i say no i'm filipino. and guess what he says? he says "my maid is also filipino." ok there are so many things wrong with that,cos he said it like "wow! that's such a big coincidence!" like a filipino maid in singapore is so rare, that i'd be shocked to find one. some pple are just so funny.
ok that's it. really nothing much now la.
ok National Day celebrations were really bad. i know i shouldn't be criticising the poor hardworking pple in vj who made everything come together, but it was seriously bad. i tell u, if i see another singapore idol spoof i'll literally shit myself. making spoofs of american idol was really a thing we do like 2 years ago, and to do it now is really old and lame and a hopeless excuse for humor.
ooh but u know what's funny? check out this video on you tube called "borat", check out the one that lasts 24 minutes. really hilarious.
ok haha i'm now chatting with this guy online and he asks me if i'm chinese, cos my name is ortega. so i say no i'm filipino. and guess what he says? he says "my maid is also filipino." ok there are so many things wrong with that,cos he said it like "wow! that's such a big coincidence!" like a filipino maid in singapore is so rare, that i'd be shocked to find one. some pple are just so funny.
ok that's it. really nothing much now la.
Saturday, July 22, 2006
The incredible lightness of Being
erm... this is the name of a book... it's about some love triangle thing... but it's supposed to be much deeper... it's supposed to be about existentialism and stuff like that, and after reading it, u're supposed to feel the lightness of being; the crushing weight of a light existence.
ya basically that's how i feel right now. light. not physically. haha... i wish ah... not the kind of lightness associated with freedom and flying like a bird, but a lightness of being.
today was a pretty ok day. muah. but i really dunno how i feel. i mean i feel something but i dunno what it is....
i know i shld be angry, cos some things pissed me off today, but i'm not quite angry. i shld be happy cos i had what, logically is a great day, haha but logic isn't heart.
or maybe i'm running away. wait, i know i'm runing away. i'm running away from sth, but i dunno what's chasing me. i'm hiding from sth, but what?
i think it's fear. fear drives me. i always say love drives me. but has it been overtaken by fear masquerading as love? is fear of losing love an illusion for love?
then my memories seem distant. not that i can't remember them, but that i can't connect with the Mark in my memories. memories i used to hold dear seem insignificant.
i'm searching, but is searching actally fear? what do i fear? what am i running from? why do i feel everything but nothing? am i refusing to feel? do i fear my feelings?
i wanna say i don't give a shit about fuck. but truth is, we all need to give a shit about something. but what? all my life, i've given shit to different things, but never two things at the same time. i devote my life to different ideals at different times. but ideals fail me. they fail me miserably.
songs that used to sing to me don't. songs that didn't use to, do. but it scares me. it scares me that songs that used to make no sense to me suddenly do. so i don't lose myself in the song. songs are powerful powerful weapons. i'm afraid i'll get lost.
so now i'm trying to feel, but can't feel. trying to think, but can't think. trying to turn to the things that used to define me, but can't be bothered. find them trivial. trying to turn to those i love, but doubting how much i actually love them, fearing some other motive, some other sinister motive.
i found myself stark naked in the toilet, about to bathe, looking at the ceiling, as if looking for clues in the wall. trying to sing in the shower, as if still looking for myself in the song. trying to feel, but afraid. afraid to take that step into an endless world.
the world is full of illusions. i feel like an illusion. i feel the lightness of being. feeling, logic, ideal, and memory: are they what make us?
everything is flux.
ya basically that's how i feel right now. light. not physically. haha... i wish ah... not the kind of lightness associated with freedom and flying like a bird, but a lightness of being.
today was a pretty ok day. muah. but i really dunno how i feel. i mean i feel something but i dunno what it is....
i know i shld be angry, cos some things pissed me off today, but i'm not quite angry. i shld be happy cos i had what, logically is a great day, haha but logic isn't heart.
or maybe i'm running away. wait, i know i'm runing away. i'm running away from sth, but i dunno what's chasing me. i'm hiding from sth, but what?
i think it's fear. fear drives me. i always say love drives me. but has it been overtaken by fear masquerading as love? is fear of losing love an illusion for love?
then my memories seem distant. not that i can't remember them, but that i can't connect with the Mark in my memories. memories i used to hold dear seem insignificant.
i'm searching, but is searching actally fear? what do i fear? what am i running from? why do i feel everything but nothing? am i refusing to feel? do i fear my feelings?
i wanna say i don't give a shit about fuck. but truth is, we all need to give a shit about something. but what? all my life, i've given shit to different things, but never two things at the same time. i devote my life to different ideals at different times. but ideals fail me. they fail me miserably.
songs that used to sing to me don't. songs that didn't use to, do. but it scares me. it scares me that songs that used to make no sense to me suddenly do. so i don't lose myself in the song. songs are powerful powerful weapons. i'm afraid i'll get lost.
so now i'm trying to feel, but can't feel. trying to think, but can't think. trying to turn to the things that used to define me, but can't be bothered. find them trivial. trying to turn to those i love, but doubting how much i actually love them, fearing some other motive, some other sinister motive.
i found myself stark naked in the toilet, about to bathe, looking at the ceiling, as if looking for clues in the wall. trying to sing in the shower, as if still looking for myself in the song. trying to feel, but afraid. afraid to take that step into an endless world.
the world is full of illusions. i feel like an illusion. i feel the lightness of being. feeling, logic, ideal, and memory: are they what make us?
everything is flux.
Thursday, July 20, 2006
I have photographic evidence of students who don't see themselves as students but as sex symbols
eh, hello, uncle. how u doing today?
i'm not happy thank u very much. u r the principal of that school?
yes. and we're always so very proud of all our lovely students.
u know, i have a complain to make. i've caught your students wearing the uniform with the skirt too short.
well, u know our students... always so charming and sometimes annoying. they'll always be so funky, cos that's what makes our school.
oh really? i have photographic evidence. and i have sent it to your precious Minister. and i told him that your school is not teaching them proper moral values. they don't see themsleves as students, but as sex symbols.
WHAT?!!! ok. u know, now i feel our light-handed methods don't work. we must adopt a more heavy-handed approach. i totally feel that we have had the wrong philosophy. i mean, what kind of shitty school policy can allow our students to send the wrong message to my good friend the minister?
hmm. now u get it.
u know what mister? can i see the photos for myself?
sure. i've kept the original copies with me. come into my house.
ok thanks. eh, u live by yourself ah? this place is pretty cramped.
ya what to do? no woman wants me. sometimes it gets pretty lonely.
so where are the photos?
oh right over there. they're on my bed.
those under the lubricating lotion is it?
ya ya. those.
ohhhh wow. from where did u take these? how did u get such high resolution.
oh. let me show u my camera. it's the state-of-the-art with zooming telescoping lens. can see anything from the comfort of my room.
anything?
yes, anything.
hmmm... ya ya, i agree. all these girls skirts are way too short. i'm so sorry u had to see our girls like this. but there's a problem. how can i punish these girls if u never take their face, only take their legs?
oh don't worry. i'll personally come to your school and identify them. i'll do anything so that our schools will be filled with girls who dress decently, even if i have to deal with them personally, in my own special way.
oh, u can't count this one. she's not wearing school uniform. i mean, ya of course she shows a bit more skin than others-- she's bathing what...
ok la ok la. i'll just keep that one for myself. but the rest are incriminating evidence!
ok i'm sooo sorry ah, mister. when it comes to my schools reputation, i won't let anything stand in the way. u're welcome to take pictures anytime from now on bcos i'll address this problem by tmr. ok i gotta go now. i'll just help u throw away these old bottles of lubricating lotion on my way out...
ok thx, principal. oh, while u're at it, can u help me plug in that vibrating device? oh ya... gimme back my pictures. they're not for u to keep. i've cced the email i sent to the Minister to u already so u have a copy.
ok, here u go. bye.
bye.
i'm not happy thank u very much. u r the principal of that school?
yes. and we're always so very proud of all our lovely students.
u know, i have a complain to make. i've caught your students wearing the uniform with the skirt too short.
well, u know our students... always so charming and sometimes annoying. they'll always be so funky, cos that's what makes our school.
oh really? i have photographic evidence. and i have sent it to your precious Minister. and i told him that your school is not teaching them proper moral values. they don't see themsleves as students, but as sex symbols.
WHAT?!!! ok. u know, now i feel our light-handed methods don't work. we must adopt a more heavy-handed approach. i totally feel that we have had the wrong philosophy. i mean, what kind of shitty school policy can allow our students to send the wrong message to my good friend the minister?
hmm. now u get it.
u know what mister? can i see the photos for myself?
sure. i've kept the original copies with me. come into my house.
ok thanks. eh, u live by yourself ah? this place is pretty cramped.
ya what to do? no woman wants me. sometimes it gets pretty lonely.
so where are the photos?
oh right over there. they're on my bed.
those under the lubricating lotion is it?
ya ya. those.
ohhhh wow. from where did u take these? how did u get such high resolution.
oh. let me show u my camera. it's the state-of-the-art with zooming telescoping lens. can see anything from the comfort of my room.
anything?
yes, anything.
hmmm... ya ya, i agree. all these girls skirts are way too short. i'm so sorry u had to see our girls like this. but there's a problem. how can i punish these girls if u never take their face, only take their legs?
oh don't worry. i'll personally come to your school and identify them. i'll do anything so that our schools will be filled with girls who dress decently, even if i have to deal with them personally, in my own special way.
oh, u can't count this one. she's not wearing school uniform. i mean, ya of course she shows a bit more skin than others-- she's bathing what...
ok la ok la. i'll just keep that one for myself. but the rest are incriminating evidence!
ok i'm sooo sorry ah, mister. when it comes to my schools reputation, i won't let anything stand in the way. u're welcome to take pictures anytime from now on bcos i'll address this problem by tmr. ok i gotta go now. i'll just help u throw away these old bottles of lubricating lotion on my way out...
ok thx, principal. oh, while u're at it, can u help me plug in that vibrating device? oh ya... gimme back my pictures. they're not for u to keep. i've cced the email i sent to the Minister to u already so u have a copy.
ok, here u go. bye.
bye.
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
I feel so dam narcissistic....
ok, it's ironic. i have to become everything i hate. u know, for our A level cert, we have to write about our top 2 achievements, and blow it out of proportion. haha, here's the crap i wrote:
"International Science School
Mark had successfully competed against hundreds of students to clinch a place in the prestigious fully MOE-sponsored international science attachment. He represented Singapore in a two-week International Science School (ISS) held in Sydney in July 2005. The ISS had participants from 9 different countries and has seen numerous eminent professors and lecturers contributing to the highly enriching event. Throughout the event, Mark made many international friends, pursued his interest in science, broadened his world-view and gained invaluable exposure.
Physics Olympiad
Mark was truly challenged in his participating in the Physics Olympiad. Having to master the entire Physics syllabus was a daunting task, but Mark rose to the occasion. In doing so, he demonstrated a great capability for independent learning as well as a strong determination driven by his great passion for Physics and related fields. For his efforts, he represented the College and clinched a Bronze medal in the Singapore Physics Olympiad. This outstanding result won him a place in the training team for the International Physics Olympiad, and he continued to work hard for during his months of intensive training. Although Mark did not eventually manage to qualify for the final team, those months of training alongside the elite Physics team has benefited him very much."
ok. so i've perfected the skill of making something out of nothing. let's try more. here r my other top achievements (well, at least in my imagination).
Member of 369 gang
Mark has demonstrated top leaderhip potential as a charismatic member of the 369 gang. He has planned many gang fights and drawn much graffitti, contributing to the creative atmosphere in the nieghbourhood. He has also said a record of 579 "fucks", 367 "cheebye" and 75 "KKNBCCB", demonstrating his great passion for the gang and its illustrious use of foul language.
Cleaning the toilet seat
Befor shitting in a public toilet, Mark never fails to take a piece of toilet paper and wipe the seat. This has demonstrated his immense capacity for cleaniness, and his undying concern for the environment. He shows great potential in being a future Minister of the Environment, because of his passion for shit and it's related fields. For his efforts, he was awarded with a prestigous clean ass.
Drinking Coffee
Mark strives to do the best in everything he pursues. Today, he drank a cup of coffee. Not only did he drink it, he also sipped it slowly and savoured the aroma, even though it was just 3-in-1 coffee. He displays a passion unseen in so many promising young candidates and coffee drinkers, and will go far in pursuing his coffee-related dreams. This heroic, awe-inspinring and tear-jearking epic saga of how a man is faced with a daunting cup of coffee, drinks it, and overcomes the insurmountable adversity of drinking coffee, is the stuff of legends. Mark's lifetime goal is to drink a can of Red Bull before he turns 30.
haha. maybe i should put those as my top 3 achievements instead...
kiss my prestigous clean ass.
"International Science School
Mark had successfully competed against hundreds of students to clinch a place in the prestigious fully MOE-sponsored international science attachment. He represented Singapore in a two-week International Science School (ISS) held in Sydney in July 2005. The ISS had participants from 9 different countries and has seen numerous eminent professors and lecturers contributing to the highly enriching event. Throughout the event, Mark made many international friends, pursued his interest in science, broadened his world-view and gained invaluable exposure.
Physics Olympiad
Mark was truly challenged in his participating in the Physics Olympiad. Having to master the entire Physics syllabus was a daunting task, but Mark rose to the occasion. In doing so, he demonstrated a great capability for independent learning as well as a strong determination driven by his great passion for Physics and related fields. For his efforts, he represented the College and clinched a Bronze medal in the Singapore Physics Olympiad. This outstanding result won him a place in the training team for the International Physics Olympiad, and he continued to work hard for during his months of intensive training. Although Mark did not eventually manage to qualify for the final team, those months of training alongside the elite Physics team has benefited him very much."
ok. so i've perfected the skill of making something out of nothing. let's try more. here r my other top achievements (well, at least in my imagination).
Member of 369 gang
Mark has demonstrated top leaderhip potential as a charismatic member of the 369 gang. He has planned many gang fights and drawn much graffitti, contributing to the creative atmosphere in the nieghbourhood. He has also said a record of 579 "fucks", 367 "cheebye" and 75 "KKNBCCB", demonstrating his great passion for the gang and its illustrious use of foul language.
Cleaning the toilet seat
Befor shitting in a public toilet, Mark never fails to take a piece of toilet paper and wipe the seat. This has demonstrated his immense capacity for cleaniness, and his undying concern for the environment. He shows great potential in being a future Minister of the Environment, because of his passion for shit and it's related fields. For his efforts, he was awarded with a prestigous clean ass.
Drinking Coffee
Mark strives to do the best in everything he pursues. Today, he drank a cup of coffee. Not only did he drink it, he also sipped it slowly and savoured the aroma, even though it was just 3-in-1 coffee. He displays a passion unseen in so many promising young candidates and coffee drinkers, and will go far in pursuing his coffee-related dreams. This heroic, awe-inspinring and tear-jearking epic saga of how a man is faced with a daunting cup of coffee, drinks it, and overcomes the insurmountable adversity of drinking coffee, is the stuff of legends. Mark's lifetime goal is to drink a can of Red Bull before he turns 30.
haha. maybe i should put those as my top 3 achievements instead...
kiss my prestigous clean ass.
should guys make spring sounds?
let's talk about "diao". 1st, how should u spell diao? let's take a vote:
1. diao
2. thenao
3. deeow
4. deown
lemme know guys... for now, i'll stick to option 1, diao.
2nd: what is the definition of diao?
Diao dee-hown
a springy sound, usually used to express a feeling of lameness at a lame or obvious comment, or an anticlaimax. used in a similar context as "..." or dots, or dotz.
3rd, usage:
1. "Why did the chicken cross the road? So that it could cross the road."
"diao."
2. "Eh, u mean Italy won World Cup ah?"
"diao."
3. "Eh u know today the lecturer was dam boring, and the lecture very diao one."
4th, is it just a girl thing? cos i hear a many girls use it, but very rare for guys. ok. let's take another vote. Can guys say "diao"? Or r girls the only one obssesed with springs?
5th, what is it's origin? I think ah, it has a similar origin to "wah wah wah". Again, spelling is a problem. u know, when japanese anime guys look like this: -.- and a giant tear comes out of their eye? and then it goes "wah wah wah"...? So i think diao has a similar origin.
Leave ur comments to this entry, i wanna know what u guys think about diao...
kiss my ass.
diao.
1. diao
2. thenao
3. deeow
4. deown
lemme know guys... for now, i'll stick to option 1, diao.
2nd: what is the definition of diao?
Diao dee-hown
a springy sound, usually used to express a feeling of lameness at a lame or obvious comment, or an anticlaimax. used in a similar context as "..." or dots, or dotz.
3rd, usage:
1. "Why did the chicken cross the road? So that it could cross the road."
"diao."
2. "Eh, u mean Italy won World Cup ah?"
"diao."
3. "Eh u know today the lecturer was dam boring, and the lecture very diao one."
4th, is it just a girl thing? cos i hear a many girls use it, but very rare for guys. ok. let's take another vote. Can guys say "diao"? Or r girls the only one obssesed with springs?
5th, what is it's origin? I think ah, it has a similar origin to "wah wah wah". Again, spelling is a problem. u know, when japanese anime guys look like this: -.- and a giant tear comes out of their eye? and then it goes "wah wah wah"...? So i think diao has a similar origin.
Leave ur comments to this entry, i wanna know what u guys think about diao...
kiss my ass.
diao.
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