The incredible lightness of Being

erm... this is the name of a book... it's about some love triangle thing... but it's supposed to be much deeper... it's supposed to be about existentialism and stuff like that, and after reading it, u're supposed to feel the lightness of being; the crushing weight of a light existence.

ya basically that's how i feel right now. light. not physically. haha... i wish ah... not the kind of lightness associated with freedom and flying like a bird, but a lightness of being.

today was a pretty ok day. muah. but i really dunno how i feel. i mean i feel something but i dunno what it is....

i know i shld be angry, cos some things pissed me off today, but i'm not quite angry. i shld be happy cos i had what, logically is a great day, haha but logic isn't heart.

or maybe i'm running away. wait, i know i'm runing away. i'm running away from sth, but i dunno what's chasing me. i'm hiding from sth, but what?

i think it's fear. fear drives me. i always say love drives me. but has it been overtaken by fear masquerading as love? is fear of losing love an illusion for love?

then my memories seem distant. not that i can't remember them, but that i can't connect with the Mark in my memories. memories i used to hold dear seem insignificant.

i'm searching, but is searching actally fear? what do i fear? what am i running from? why do i feel everything but nothing? am i refusing to feel? do i fear my feelings?

i wanna say i don't give a shit about fuck. but truth is, we all need to give a shit about something. but what? all my life, i've given shit to different things, but never two things at the same time. i devote my life to different ideals at different times. but ideals fail me. they fail me miserably.

songs that used to sing to me don't. songs that didn't use to, do. but it scares me. it scares me that songs that used to make no sense to me suddenly do. so i don't lose myself in the song. songs are powerful powerful weapons. i'm afraid i'll get lost.

so now i'm trying to feel, but can't feel. trying to think, but can't think. trying to turn to the things that used to define me, but can't be bothered. find them trivial. trying to turn to those i love, but doubting how much i actually love them, fearing some other motive, some other sinister motive.

i found myself stark naked in the toilet, about to bathe, looking at the ceiling, as if looking for clues in the wall. trying to sing in the shower, as if still looking for myself in the song. trying to feel, but afraid. afraid to take that step into an endless world.

the world is full of illusions. i feel like an illusion. i feel the lightness of being. feeling, logic, ideal, and memory: are they what make us?

everything is flux.