erm... this is the name of a book... it's about some love triangle thing... but it's supposed to be much deeper... it's supposed to be about existentialism and stuff like that, and after reading it, u're supposed to feel the lightness of being; the crushing weight of a light existence.
ya basically that's how i feel right now. light. not physically. haha... i wish ah... not the kind of lightness associated with freedom and flying like a bird, but a lightness of being.
today was a pretty ok day. muah. but i really dunno how i feel. i mean i feel something but i dunno what it is....
i know i shld be angry, cos some things pissed me off today, but i'm not quite angry. i shld be happy cos i had what, logically is a great day, haha but logic isn't heart.
or maybe i'm running away. wait, i know i'm runing away. i'm running away from sth, but i dunno what's chasing me. i'm hiding from sth, but what?
i think it's fear. fear drives me. i always say love drives me. but has it been overtaken by fear masquerading as love? is fear of losing love an illusion for love?
then my memories seem distant. not that i can't remember them, but that i can't connect with the Mark in my memories. memories i used to hold dear seem insignificant.
i'm searching, but is searching actally fear? what do i fear? what am i running from? why do i feel everything but nothing? am i refusing to feel? do i fear my feelings?
i wanna say i don't give a shit about fuck. but truth is, we all need to give a shit about something. but what? all my life, i've given shit to different things, but never two things at the same time. i devote my life to different ideals at different times. but ideals fail me. they fail me miserably.
songs that used to sing to me don't. songs that didn't use to, do. but it scares me. it scares me that songs that used to make no sense to me suddenly do. so i don't lose myself in the song. songs are powerful powerful weapons. i'm afraid i'll get lost.
so now i'm trying to feel, but can't feel. trying to think, but can't think. trying to turn to the things that used to define me, but can't be bothered. find them trivial. trying to turn to those i love, but doubting how much i actually love them, fearing some other motive, some other sinister motive.
i found myself stark naked in the toilet, about to bathe, looking at the ceiling, as if looking for clues in the wall. trying to sing in the shower, as if still looking for myself in the song. trying to feel, but afraid. afraid to take that step into an endless world.
the world is full of illusions. i feel like an illusion. i feel the lightness of being. feeling, logic, ideal, and memory: are they what make us?
everything is flux.
"your smiling eyes are just a mirror for the sun."
Saturday, July 22, 2006
Thursday, July 20, 2006
I have photographic evidence of students who don't see themselves as students but as sex symbols
eh, hello, uncle. how u doing today?
i'm not happy thank u very much. u r the principal of that school?
yes. and we're always so very proud of all our lovely students.
u know, i have a complain to make. i've caught your students wearing the uniform with the skirt too short.
well, u know our students... always so charming and sometimes annoying. they'll always be so funky, cos that's what makes our school.
oh really? i have photographic evidence. and i have sent it to your precious Minister. and i told him that your school is not teaching them proper moral values. they don't see themsleves as students, but as sex symbols.
WHAT?!!! ok. u know, now i feel our light-handed methods don't work. we must adopt a more heavy-handed approach. i totally feel that we have had the wrong philosophy. i mean, what kind of shitty school policy can allow our students to send the wrong message to my good friend the minister?
hmm. now u get it.
u know what mister? can i see the photos for myself?
sure. i've kept the original copies with me. come into my house.
ok thanks. eh, u live by yourself ah? this place is pretty cramped.
ya what to do? no woman wants me. sometimes it gets pretty lonely.
so where are the photos?
oh right over there. they're on my bed.
those under the lubricating lotion is it?
ya ya. those.
ohhhh wow. from where did u take these? how did u get such high resolution.
oh. let me show u my camera. it's the state-of-the-art with zooming telescoping lens. can see anything from the comfort of my room.
anything?
yes, anything.
hmmm... ya ya, i agree. all these girls skirts are way too short. i'm so sorry u had to see our girls like this. but there's a problem. how can i punish these girls if u never take their face, only take their legs?
oh don't worry. i'll personally come to your school and identify them. i'll do anything so that our schools will be filled with girls who dress decently, even if i have to deal with them personally, in my own special way.
oh, u can't count this one. she's not wearing school uniform. i mean, ya of course she shows a bit more skin than others-- she's bathing what...
ok la ok la. i'll just keep that one for myself. but the rest are incriminating evidence!
ok i'm sooo sorry ah, mister. when it comes to my schools reputation, i won't let anything stand in the way. u're welcome to take pictures anytime from now on bcos i'll address this problem by tmr. ok i gotta go now. i'll just help u throw away these old bottles of lubricating lotion on my way out...
ok thx, principal. oh, while u're at it, can u help me plug in that vibrating device? oh ya... gimme back my pictures. they're not for u to keep. i've cced the email i sent to the Minister to u already so u have a copy.
ok, here u go. bye.
bye.
i'm not happy thank u very much. u r the principal of that school?
yes. and we're always so very proud of all our lovely students.
u know, i have a complain to make. i've caught your students wearing the uniform with the skirt too short.
well, u know our students... always so charming and sometimes annoying. they'll always be so funky, cos that's what makes our school.
oh really? i have photographic evidence. and i have sent it to your precious Minister. and i told him that your school is not teaching them proper moral values. they don't see themsleves as students, but as sex symbols.
WHAT?!!! ok. u know, now i feel our light-handed methods don't work. we must adopt a more heavy-handed approach. i totally feel that we have had the wrong philosophy. i mean, what kind of shitty school policy can allow our students to send the wrong message to my good friend the minister?
hmm. now u get it.
u know what mister? can i see the photos for myself?
sure. i've kept the original copies with me. come into my house.
ok thanks. eh, u live by yourself ah? this place is pretty cramped.
ya what to do? no woman wants me. sometimes it gets pretty lonely.
so where are the photos?
oh right over there. they're on my bed.
those under the lubricating lotion is it?
ya ya. those.
ohhhh wow. from where did u take these? how did u get such high resolution.
oh. let me show u my camera. it's the state-of-the-art with zooming telescoping lens. can see anything from the comfort of my room.
anything?
yes, anything.
hmmm... ya ya, i agree. all these girls skirts are way too short. i'm so sorry u had to see our girls like this. but there's a problem. how can i punish these girls if u never take their face, only take their legs?
oh don't worry. i'll personally come to your school and identify them. i'll do anything so that our schools will be filled with girls who dress decently, even if i have to deal with them personally, in my own special way.
oh, u can't count this one. she's not wearing school uniform. i mean, ya of course she shows a bit more skin than others-- she's bathing what...
ok la ok la. i'll just keep that one for myself. but the rest are incriminating evidence!
ok i'm sooo sorry ah, mister. when it comes to my schools reputation, i won't let anything stand in the way. u're welcome to take pictures anytime from now on bcos i'll address this problem by tmr. ok i gotta go now. i'll just help u throw away these old bottles of lubricating lotion on my way out...
ok thx, principal. oh, while u're at it, can u help me plug in that vibrating device? oh ya... gimme back my pictures. they're not for u to keep. i've cced the email i sent to the Minister to u already so u have a copy.
ok, here u go. bye.
bye.
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
I feel so dam narcissistic....
ok, it's ironic. i have to become everything i hate. u know, for our A level cert, we have to write about our top 2 achievements, and blow it out of proportion. haha, here's the crap i wrote:
"International Science School
Mark had successfully competed against hundreds of students to clinch a place in the prestigious fully MOE-sponsored international science attachment. He represented Singapore in a two-week International Science School (ISS) held in Sydney in July 2005. The ISS had participants from 9 different countries and has seen numerous eminent professors and lecturers contributing to the highly enriching event. Throughout the event, Mark made many international friends, pursued his interest in science, broadened his world-view and gained invaluable exposure.
Physics Olympiad
Mark was truly challenged in his participating in the Physics Olympiad. Having to master the entire Physics syllabus was a daunting task, but Mark rose to the occasion. In doing so, he demonstrated a great capability for independent learning as well as a strong determination driven by his great passion for Physics and related fields. For his efforts, he represented the College and clinched a Bronze medal in the Singapore Physics Olympiad. This outstanding result won him a place in the training team for the International Physics Olympiad, and he continued to work hard for during his months of intensive training. Although Mark did not eventually manage to qualify for the final team, those months of training alongside the elite Physics team has benefited him very much."
ok. so i've perfected the skill of making something out of nothing. let's try more. here r my other top achievements (well, at least in my imagination).
Member of 369 gang
Mark has demonstrated top leaderhip potential as a charismatic member of the 369 gang. He has planned many gang fights and drawn much graffitti, contributing to the creative atmosphere in the nieghbourhood. He has also said a record of 579 "fucks", 367 "cheebye" and 75 "KKNBCCB", demonstrating his great passion for the gang and its illustrious use of foul language.
Cleaning the toilet seat
Befor shitting in a public toilet, Mark never fails to take a piece of toilet paper and wipe the seat. This has demonstrated his immense capacity for cleaniness, and his undying concern for the environment. He shows great potential in being a future Minister of the Environment, because of his passion for shit and it's related fields. For his efforts, he was awarded with a prestigous clean ass.
Drinking Coffee
Mark strives to do the best in everything he pursues. Today, he drank a cup of coffee. Not only did he drink it, he also sipped it slowly and savoured the aroma, even though it was just 3-in-1 coffee. He displays a passion unseen in so many promising young candidates and coffee drinkers, and will go far in pursuing his coffee-related dreams. This heroic, awe-inspinring and tear-jearking epic saga of how a man is faced with a daunting cup of coffee, drinks it, and overcomes the insurmountable adversity of drinking coffee, is the stuff of legends. Mark's lifetime goal is to drink a can of Red Bull before he turns 30.
haha. maybe i should put those as my top 3 achievements instead...
kiss my prestigous clean ass.
"International Science School
Mark had successfully competed against hundreds of students to clinch a place in the prestigious fully MOE-sponsored international science attachment. He represented Singapore in a two-week International Science School (ISS) held in Sydney in July 2005. The ISS had participants from 9 different countries and has seen numerous eminent professors and lecturers contributing to the highly enriching event. Throughout the event, Mark made many international friends, pursued his interest in science, broadened his world-view and gained invaluable exposure.
Physics Olympiad
Mark was truly challenged in his participating in the Physics Olympiad. Having to master the entire Physics syllabus was a daunting task, but Mark rose to the occasion. In doing so, he demonstrated a great capability for independent learning as well as a strong determination driven by his great passion for Physics and related fields. For his efforts, he represented the College and clinched a Bronze medal in the Singapore Physics Olympiad. This outstanding result won him a place in the training team for the International Physics Olympiad, and he continued to work hard for during his months of intensive training. Although Mark did not eventually manage to qualify for the final team, those months of training alongside the elite Physics team has benefited him very much."
ok. so i've perfected the skill of making something out of nothing. let's try more. here r my other top achievements (well, at least in my imagination).
Member of 369 gang
Mark has demonstrated top leaderhip potential as a charismatic member of the 369 gang. He has planned many gang fights and drawn much graffitti, contributing to the creative atmosphere in the nieghbourhood. He has also said a record of 579 "fucks", 367 "cheebye" and 75 "KKNBCCB", demonstrating his great passion for the gang and its illustrious use of foul language.
Cleaning the toilet seat
Befor shitting in a public toilet, Mark never fails to take a piece of toilet paper and wipe the seat. This has demonstrated his immense capacity for cleaniness, and his undying concern for the environment. He shows great potential in being a future Minister of the Environment, because of his passion for shit and it's related fields. For his efforts, he was awarded with a prestigous clean ass.
Drinking Coffee
Mark strives to do the best in everything he pursues. Today, he drank a cup of coffee. Not only did he drink it, he also sipped it slowly and savoured the aroma, even though it was just 3-in-1 coffee. He displays a passion unseen in so many promising young candidates and coffee drinkers, and will go far in pursuing his coffee-related dreams. This heroic, awe-inspinring and tear-jearking epic saga of how a man is faced with a daunting cup of coffee, drinks it, and overcomes the insurmountable adversity of drinking coffee, is the stuff of legends. Mark's lifetime goal is to drink a can of Red Bull before he turns 30.
haha. maybe i should put those as my top 3 achievements instead...
kiss my prestigous clean ass.
should guys make spring sounds?
let's talk about "diao". 1st, how should u spell diao? let's take a vote:
1. diao
2. thenao
3. deeow
4. deown
lemme know guys... for now, i'll stick to option 1, diao.
2nd: what is the definition of diao?
Diao dee-hown
a springy sound, usually used to express a feeling of lameness at a lame or obvious comment, or an anticlaimax. used in a similar context as "..." or dots, or dotz.
3rd, usage:
1. "Why did the chicken cross the road? So that it could cross the road."
"diao."
2. "Eh, u mean Italy won World Cup ah?"
"diao."
3. "Eh u know today the lecturer was dam boring, and the lecture very diao one."
4th, is it just a girl thing? cos i hear a many girls use it, but very rare for guys. ok. let's take another vote. Can guys say "diao"? Or r girls the only one obssesed with springs?
5th, what is it's origin? I think ah, it has a similar origin to "wah wah wah". Again, spelling is a problem. u know, when japanese anime guys look like this: -.- and a giant tear comes out of their eye? and then it goes "wah wah wah"...? So i think diao has a similar origin.
Leave ur comments to this entry, i wanna know what u guys think about diao...
kiss my ass.
diao.
1. diao
2. thenao
3. deeow
4. deown
lemme know guys... for now, i'll stick to option 1, diao.
2nd: what is the definition of diao?
Diao dee-hown
a springy sound, usually used to express a feeling of lameness at a lame or obvious comment, or an anticlaimax. used in a similar context as "..." or dots, or dotz.
3rd, usage:
1. "Why did the chicken cross the road? So that it could cross the road."
"diao."
2. "Eh, u mean Italy won World Cup ah?"
"diao."
3. "Eh u know today the lecturer was dam boring, and the lecture very diao one."
4th, is it just a girl thing? cos i hear a many girls use it, but very rare for guys. ok. let's take another vote. Can guys say "diao"? Or r girls the only one obssesed with springs?
5th, what is it's origin? I think ah, it has a similar origin to "wah wah wah". Again, spelling is a problem. u know, when japanese anime guys look like this: -.- and a giant tear comes out of their eye? and then it goes "wah wah wah"...? So i think diao has a similar origin.
Leave ur comments to this entry, i wanna know what u guys think about diao...
kiss my ass.
diao.
Friday, July 07, 2006
On Religion
ok time to be serious again. nowadays nobody just asks u what's ur religion. They ask, then I say "I'm a Catholic." then the next question comes, "are u a strict Catholic?" So I say, "what's a strict Catholic?" The usual criteria come out: take Mass seriously, don't say bad words, don't use God's name in vain, etc. Well, thing is, by that criteria, I don't think I'm a strict Catholic. So then I'm just a Catholic in name? Well, to some pple, in this world, there r only 2 types of Christians, those that r only Sunday Christians, and those that r exteremely pious, religious and Holy. What happened to the in between?
Ok, so we say, yes, the Bible, is Holy and perfect, and we should not have the right to pick and choose what we want to follow and what we don't really feel like following. From this POV, there can only be 2 types of Christians. But, u see, the problem here is we then become unquestioning followers of the faith. And personally, I don't think this is very good.
U see, to follow the Bible perfectly, we must first have perfect love. God is love, and we were created and redeemed out of love, so we are works of God's love. But here's the tricky part about love: It can't exist without free will. I mean, if u force a person to love u, can u really say it's love? God could have easily created perfect sinless people programmed to love him perfectly, just as he loved us. But then, it wouldn't really be called love, would it?
That's why He gave us this important gift of free will, the ability to choose to love Him or not. And even though by right we should all choose to love Him, all of us have chosen not to. that's why we sin. That's why there's death and suffering, because of ourselves. But free will is very important; without free will there cannot be love. So God created us precisely to reason, to question, to choose, to defy. And it is only when we question our faith, and we try to put it into perspective, that it truly becomes ours, it truly becomes us.
Think of a fanatic radical, brought up with strict rules of religions, following doctrines and rituals he never really understood, but believes it to be the unquestionable truth. That is in many ways admirable, but not so admirable as a person who reads the Bible and says: "I disagree." Goes about disagreeing with it, then realises that it hurts others or makes him unhappy, then realises why God wants this for him, and then practices it. This is much more beautiful. True, NOTHING gives us the right to question the Bible, but when we do, we know we can always be forgiven because God died for us.
U know, i think eventually all of us will follow the Bible unquestionably, and that will be in heaven. Because it is only when we have attained perfection, Holiness, and become saints, that we can truly and wholeheartedly follow the truths stated in the Bible. And this is not out of any brainwashing or fear, but out of complete and perfect love, a love that can only be completed by the grace of God.
Another thing is, if I were to be a perfect Catholic, or at least try to be, like every Friday don't eat meat, everyday say Rosary, not a single bad word from my mouth, then I'd get tired really fast. The first few weeks will be easy, but after a while we'll just get sian and ask "why r we doing this?"
Also, there are a lot of things i truly believe in. Like I think abortion is totally wrong and evil and barbaric. but if I were a perfectionst Catholic, pple would just think: ah... u're just saying that bcos ur Bishop told u to, or ur Pope told u to... U see, we've gotta keep it real. We're real pple with real weaknesses, real sins and real imperfections. If we don't keep it real, then those things which are real don't quite become real anymore.
I strongly believe that the best way to evangelise is by action. but what action is the most effective? Is it really pulling ur face whenever ur friends tell a dirty joke? Or vociferously condemning gambling when ur actually dying inside to bet on Italy? I think it's the small things, a kind word when it's really needed, befriending someone who's feeling left out, or deciding to stay home with Mum when she's feeling down. These things. "By this, all men will know you are My disciples."
And of course, getting involved! there's no better substitute to joining a Church group, getting out there and getting your hands dirty.... It's fun, meaningful, we'll break a lot of rules along the way, but God's Love touches your life thru it... And the more u love God, the more keeping His rules will come naturally to u. not bcos u wanna get in heaven by keeping them, but bcos u already know God's love bought ur ticket to heaven with his blood, and that the only natural thing to do is to Love Him in return, bcos He loved us first.
Yup... haha... my first really serious post :)
Ok, so we say, yes, the Bible, is Holy and perfect, and we should not have the right to pick and choose what we want to follow and what we don't really feel like following. From this POV, there can only be 2 types of Christians. But, u see, the problem here is we then become unquestioning followers of the faith. And personally, I don't think this is very good.
U see, to follow the Bible perfectly, we must first have perfect love. God is love, and we were created and redeemed out of love, so we are works of God's love. But here's the tricky part about love: It can't exist without free will. I mean, if u force a person to love u, can u really say it's love? God could have easily created perfect sinless people programmed to love him perfectly, just as he loved us. But then, it wouldn't really be called love, would it?
That's why He gave us this important gift of free will, the ability to choose to love Him or not. And even though by right we should all choose to love Him, all of us have chosen not to. that's why we sin. That's why there's death and suffering, because of ourselves. But free will is very important; without free will there cannot be love. So God created us precisely to reason, to question, to choose, to defy. And it is only when we question our faith, and we try to put it into perspective, that it truly becomes ours, it truly becomes us.
Think of a fanatic radical, brought up with strict rules of religions, following doctrines and rituals he never really understood, but believes it to be the unquestionable truth. That is in many ways admirable, but not so admirable as a person who reads the Bible and says: "I disagree." Goes about disagreeing with it, then realises that it hurts others or makes him unhappy, then realises why God wants this for him, and then practices it. This is much more beautiful. True, NOTHING gives us the right to question the Bible, but when we do, we know we can always be forgiven because God died for us.
U know, i think eventually all of us will follow the Bible unquestionably, and that will be in heaven. Because it is only when we have attained perfection, Holiness, and become saints, that we can truly and wholeheartedly follow the truths stated in the Bible. And this is not out of any brainwashing or fear, but out of complete and perfect love, a love that can only be completed by the grace of God.
Another thing is, if I were to be a perfect Catholic, or at least try to be, like every Friday don't eat meat, everyday say Rosary, not a single bad word from my mouth, then I'd get tired really fast. The first few weeks will be easy, but after a while we'll just get sian and ask "why r we doing this?"
Also, there are a lot of things i truly believe in. Like I think abortion is totally wrong and evil and barbaric. but if I were a perfectionst Catholic, pple would just think: ah... u're just saying that bcos ur Bishop told u to, or ur Pope told u to... U see, we've gotta keep it real. We're real pple with real weaknesses, real sins and real imperfections. If we don't keep it real, then those things which are real don't quite become real anymore.
I strongly believe that the best way to evangelise is by action. but what action is the most effective? Is it really pulling ur face whenever ur friends tell a dirty joke? Or vociferously condemning gambling when ur actually dying inside to bet on Italy? I think it's the small things, a kind word when it's really needed, befriending someone who's feeling left out, or deciding to stay home with Mum when she's feeling down. These things. "By this, all men will know you are My disciples."
And of course, getting involved! there's no better substitute to joining a Church group, getting out there and getting your hands dirty.... It's fun, meaningful, we'll break a lot of rules along the way, but God's Love touches your life thru it... And the more u love God, the more keeping His rules will come naturally to u. not bcos u wanna get in heaven by keeping them, but bcos u already know God's love bought ur ticket to heaven with his blood, and that the only natural thing to do is to Love Him in return, bcos He loved us first.
Yup... haha... my first really serious post :)
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
i'm feeling random today
i'm feeling random today so i'll say some random stuff.
1. in yesterday's newspaper, i saw a quote from lindsey lohan. she said "I used to date a guy who kept calling me 'kid'--I hated it. I've been thru more than many pple have in lifetimes" wa lau. she's dam childish. i mean i liked some of her earlier movies but now she just sucks.
2. was walking home from my braces dentist today. there's this really sleazy place in lucky plaza that i have to pass to reach the mrt. it's called house of condom. so it sells like all those sex toys etc. then i saw a 50 plus year old couple stepping out of it holding hands. yuck. but heh at least they're trying to spice up the marraige. yuck. let me go puke now.
3. ok i'm back. there's a dammmm funny article in the newspaper today abt soccer players. it goes like a dictionary kind of definitions. hahahahahaha. my kind of humour. (btw that's how the queen spells humor, americans). here are some qoutes:
RONALDO
If u take it in the Brazilian context it means "fat person". As in "Eat too much and u'll become a Ronaldo". In Portugese context, it means "betrayal" or "traitor", usually refers to someone who stabs someone in the back by acting unsportingly. Historically, the English hardly use this word, however, they have an equivalent--"Bastard".
BECKHAM
A "Beckham" is a true English word.It's a word that can even bring tears to a glass eye because it's origin is so touching. A long time ago, there was an English prince, very handsome, not too bright, hapily married to a queen of shopping, who was very emotional whenever he fought for engalnd. This prince cried very often because evrytime he put on his battle gear, he got very emotional. This story has been used to inspire english achoolchildrin throughout the ages.
Usage: "you are so patriotic. One day, u'll be the Beckham of Singapore."
BALLACK
A Ballack is the German equivalent of Beackham, only if u r described as one, u wouldn't have cried so much. Since in German, it involves a certain degree of pain and angst. Describes sacrifice and struggle.
High Ballack: extreme pain, hobbling during football match.
Low Ballack: helpless suspension, where u sit out a game thru injury.
Usage: "your Ballack inspired us to push thru, and topple the regime that has dominated us for 50 years."
ERIKSSON
Can be used in many ways. It's so versatile that pple havr used it to descibe a depressed feeling, a hopeless state of mind, a sense of impotence, and a sense of no importance.
Usages for:
"boring": "I fell asleep in class today bcos Mrs Tan gave an Eriksson."
a sexual term: "U r such an Eriksson I wouldn't sleep with u even if u're the last man on Earth."
as an epithet: "Get away from me! Erik***n you!"
Ya. these r from an article my Tay Yek Keak for Life!
4. about asian guys: u know my grandpa never fails to surprise me. he's the typical asian JOhn Wayne--no affection, hard as a rock, and always pulling a long face. his famous quote: "Gua lasing you bettole bettole!" which is an amalgam of malay and english, and i'm not sure if there's some hokkien in there... it means "I'll whack u good good." haha. ok and whenever he walks with my grandma, he walks like 20 metres ahead of her, the quintessential asian gentlemanly way. and he always looks at his watch whenever grandma socialises with pple he couldn't care less for. (which like 80% of the pple she knows)
u get the picture.
but yesterday during a church thing, the priest was trying to make a point abt needing to trust those we love. so he asked my grandma to close her eyes and grandpa to lead her wherever he liked. I was thinking "oh crap... this is just gonna be one embarassing standoff. pls pls pls don't scold the priest..." but to my surprise, he sprang up from his seat, and yes, i use "sprang" in the most literal meaning of the word, as in "my crazy 69 year old grandad sprang like an excited kid" and grasped grandma tightly by the hand AND wrist, and led her all the way around, opening doors, leading her thru rooms all over, and smiling as he did so. and he led her back deftly. i think he was really enthusiastic about leading his darling wife who trusted him, even for a short moment.
so the priest asked her how she felt abt it, and she said (mind u, this is a woman who frequently refers to her husband as a "lousy peranakan barbarian"), she said "I feel safe when guided by a person i trust." amazing. granpa really impressed me yesterday. then of course, after mass he goes back to his usual routine of yelling to the priest how the comfort taxi drivers should get together and oppose the taxi price hike. lol.
but my point is, i guess even tho we've got more western, asian guys r like that. really terrified of betraying any feelings of affection whatsoever. so all u asian girls out there who're thinking of ditching your asian dude for a more "open" western guy, remb that asian guys r actually full of love, just needs the right situation to bring it out. it's kind of like a beauty and the beast kind of story, the womans affection and patience brings out the best in a hardened man... and in moments like this when it happens, it's really beautiful la, i must say.
and really, i think a lot of times, ang mo guys r just gimmicky. all the roses n chocolates and "soulmate" and "i will die for u"... it's nice la, but gets kinda lame if used alot of times, and many times, it's just bullshit. pardon my nationalistic feelings. heh. but a lot of them r nice also :) just to be politically correct. just can't stand asian girls who say they'll never go for asian guys... (no, that's not an excuse i got b4, in case ur wondering...)
haha. ok enough of my random rant.
kiss my ass.
1. in yesterday's newspaper, i saw a quote from lindsey lohan. she said "I used to date a guy who kept calling me 'kid'--I hated it. I've been thru more than many pple have in lifetimes" wa lau. she's dam childish. i mean i liked some of her earlier movies but now she just sucks.
2. was walking home from my braces dentist today. there's this really sleazy place in lucky plaza that i have to pass to reach the mrt. it's called house of condom. so it sells like all those sex toys etc. then i saw a 50 plus year old couple stepping out of it holding hands. yuck. but heh at least they're trying to spice up the marraige. yuck. let me go puke now.
3. ok i'm back. there's a dammmm funny article in the newspaper today abt soccer players. it goes like a dictionary kind of definitions. hahahahahaha. my kind of humour. (btw that's how the queen spells humor, americans). here are some qoutes:
RONALDO
If u take it in the Brazilian context it means "fat person". As in "Eat too much and u'll become a Ronaldo". In Portugese context, it means "betrayal" or "traitor", usually refers to someone who stabs someone in the back by acting unsportingly. Historically, the English hardly use this word, however, they have an equivalent--"Bastard".
BECKHAM
A "Beckham" is a true English word.It's a word that can even bring tears to a glass eye because it's origin is so touching. A long time ago, there was an English prince, very handsome, not too bright, hapily married to a queen of shopping, who was very emotional whenever he fought for engalnd. This prince cried very often because evrytime he put on his battle gear, he got very emotional. This story has been used to inspire english achoolchildrin throughout the ages.
Usage: "you are so patriotic. One day, u'll be the Beckham of Singapore."
BALLACK
A Ballack is the German equivalent of Beackham, only if u r described as one, u wouldn't have cried so much. Since in German, it involves a certain degree of pain and angst. Describes sacrifice and struggle.
High Ballack: extreme pain, hobbling during football match.
Low Ballack: helpless suspension, where u sit out a game thru injury.
Usage: "your Ballack inspired us to push thru, and topple the regime that has dominated us for 50 years."
ERIKSSON
Can be used in many ways. It's so versatile that pple havr used it to descibe a depressed feeling, a hopeless state of mind, a sense of impotence, and a sense of no importance.
Usages for:
"boring": "I fell asleep in class today bcos Mrs Tan gave an Eriksson."
a sexual term: "U r such an Eriksson I wouldn't sleep with u even if u're the last man on Earth."
as an epithet: "Get away from me! Erik***n you!"
Ya. these r from an article my Tay Yek Keak for Life!
4. about asian guys: u know my grandpa never fails to surprise me. he's the typical asian JOhn Wayne--no affection, hard as a rock, and always pulling a long face. his famous quote: "Gua lasing you bettole bettole!" which is an amalgam of malay and english, and i'm not sure if there's some hokkien in there... it means "I'll whack u good good." haha. ok and whenever he walks with my grandma, he walks like 20 metres ahead of her, the quintessential asian gentlemanly way. and he always looks at his watch whenever grandma socialises with pple he couldn't care less for. (which like 80% of the pple she knows)
u get the picture.
but yesterday during a church thing, the priest was trying to make a point abt needing to trust those we love. so he asked my grandma to close her eyes and grandpa to lead her wherever he liked. I was thinking "oh crap... this is just gonna be one embarassing standoff. pls pls pls don't scold the priest..." but to my surprise, he sprang up from his seat, and yes, i use "sprang" in the most literal meaning of the word, as in "my crazy 69 year old grandad sprang like an excited kid" and grasped grandma tightly by the hand AND wrist, and led her all the way around, opening doors, leading her thru rooms all over, and smiling as he did so. and he led her back deftly. i think he was really enthusiastic about leading his darling wife who trusted him, even for a short moment.
so the priest asked her how she felt abt it, and she said (mind u, this is a woman who frequently refers to her husband as a "lousy peranakan barbarian"), she said "I feel safe when guided by a person i trust." amazing. granpa really impressed me yesterday. then of course, after mass he goes back to his usual routine of yelling to the priest how the comfort taxi drivers should get together and oppose the taxi price hike. lol.
but my point is, i guess even tho we've got more western, asian guys r like that. really terrified of betraying any feelings of affection whatsoever. so all u asian girls out there who're thinking of ditching your asian dude for a more "open" western guy, remb that asian guys r actually full of love, just needs the right situation to bring it out. it's kind of like a beauty and the beast kind of story, the womans affection and patience brings out the best in a hardened man... and in moments like this when it happens, it's really beautiful la, i must say.
and really, i think a lot of times, ang mo guys r just gimmicky. all the roses n chocolates and "soulmate" and "i will die for u"... it's nice la, but gets kinda lame if used alot of times, and many times, it's just bullshit. pardon my nationalistic feelings. heh. but a lot of them r nice also :) just to be politically correct. just can't stand asian girls who say they'll never go for asian guys... (no, that's not an excuse i got b4, in case ur wondering...)
haha. ok enough of my random rant.
kiss my ass.
Sunday, July 02, 2006
i don't give a shit
u know... before today, there're a million times i wanted to, but never said fuck in my blog. u know why? bcos i'm afraid that when i go for job interview for psc or sth, they're gonna dig up my blog and use it against me. well u know what, i don't fucking care any fucking more. so here's a tribute to all u fuckers out there who told me not to "create a bad impression". FUCK YOU! FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!
u know i realised my whole life i've always cared what pple think abt me? i always wanna give my teachers a good impression. whenever i'm out in public in school uni, i always behave like guai kia, whenever my friends played cards in public (which btw is only once), di u know whatn i think of? guess. just guess. i imagine that the police r gonna come, arrest us for gambling and then get a police record and i cannot work for civil service any more.... u know when we played pool and sneaked in an underage guy, everytime the music stopped, i imagined that it was a raid and the police were gonna arrest us all... it's ruined my life... u know i'm never able to enjoy what i do cos i'm always woried to give a bad impression... this fucking paranoia has fucking consumed me!
and u know what the worst part is? i'm not likely to change anytime soon. i can tell myself i don't care but i probably do. so here goes " I DON'T CARE WHAT THE WORLD THINKS OF ME ANYMORE. FUCK." there. i did it. did i change? i dunno, i really dunno.
u know, being a kid who was always at the top, pple will always tell me "must get a good portfolio." they've also conveniently told me, out of the kindness of their kind loving hearts, exactly what a good portfolio comprises. hmm... let's see... ok, the government says i must have good grades. check. the government says i must be well rounded. let's see... i learn music. check. i do fencing. check. but my napfa fail. oh no. how? i'm not well rounded enough to qualify as a real person. the government says i must show passion for what i study. so i study science. so ust do science research. oh ya i participated in a science research combination just for this. yes! the government's gonna be real pleased with me. i mean that's totally gonna get me further man. wow. i have so much passion man. government says i've got to be a leader. oh fuck! i should have joined sc... now how to get psc scholarship like that??? how to have my precious "overseas study experience"? how? ok... i was a leader in my church group and church camp... but it's church, so doesn't qualify. as far as i'm concerned, that's worth nothing. ok. thanks, guys, u've really shown me how to enrich my life. i dunno what i'd do without u....
my whole bloddy life i've been obssesed with creating an impression for others... then what happened? i become a bloody nerd la! so now i have to denerdify myself.
but then again, shld i listen if pple say i'm a nerd, and should i change? i mean, if i hate being a conformist, and don't wanna conform what pple think is a good career, a godd portfolio, etc.., then why shld i change to denerdify myself? wouldn't that like not be true to myself?
but then again, is there really a "myself"? i mean, when we say we're being true to oursleves, who are we really talking abt? who is this nebulous person we call "myself"? is he a set of properties, with certain likes and dislikes. but then again, aren't our likes and dislikes formed from others in the first place? so maybe there really isn't a "myself"... so maybe we form our own "myselfs"...
ok, what do i know abt myself, and if i chenge EVERYTHING, what's not gonna change?
1. I love God.
2. I know God loves me and that Jesus died for me.
3. I know that love is the most important thing in the universe.
4. I know I love my friends, because I love God in them.
5. I know God is in all humanity, so I should love all humanity.
yup.that's about it. u know, everything else: my hobbies, my interests, everything was fromed from pple. everything's arbitrary. everything can change and i guess i wouldn't be changing who i am. or is it too late? has this already become who i am? i seriously hope not. if everything changes, then only those 5 points above must not change. everything else can change, and i'll be true to myself.
so i really dunno... i'd like to say i don't care abt creating a good impression, but truth is, even if we hate it, it's still the sad truth in this world. and anw, change doesn't happen overnight... so see how lar...
i won't end this message with a thanks. that's a step i guess. haha...
kiss my ass.
u know i realised my whole life i've always cared what pple think abt me? i always wanna give my teachers a good impression. whenever i'm out in public in school uni, i always behave like guai kia, whenever my friends played cards in public (which btw is only once), di u know whatn i think of? guess. just guess. i imagine that the police r gonna come, arrest us for gambling and then get a police record and i cannot work for civil service any more.... u know when we played pool and sneaked in an underage guy, everytime the music stopped, i imagined that it was a raid and the police were gonna arrest us all... it's ruined my life... u know i'm never able to enjoy what i do cos i'm always woried to give a bad impression... this fucking paranoia has fucking consumed me!
and u know what the worst part is? i'm not likely to change anytime soon. i can tell myself i don't care but i probably do. so here goes " I DON'T CARE WHAT THE WORLD THINKS OF ME ANYMORE. FUCK." there. i did it. did i change? i dunno, i really dunno.
u know, being a kid who was always at the top, pple will always tell me "must get a good portfolio." they've also conveniently told me, out of the kindness of their kind loving hearts, exactly what a good portfolio comprises. hmm... let's see... ok, the government says i must have good grades. check. the government says i must be well rounded. let's see... i learn music. check. i do fencing. check. but my napfa fail. oh no. how? i'm not well rounded enough to qualify as a real person. the government says i must show passion for what i study. so i study science. so ust do science research. oh ya i participated in a science research combination just for this. yes! the government's gonna be real pleased with me. i mean that's totally gonna get me further man. wow. i have so much passion man. government says i've got to be a leader. oh fuck! i should have joined sc... now how to get psc scholarship like that??? how to have my precious "overseas study experience"? how? ok... i was a leader in my church group and church camp... but it's church, so doesn't qualify. as far as i'm concerned, that's worth nothing. ok. thanks, guys, u've really shown me how to enrich my life. i dunno what i'd do without u....
my whole bloddy life i've been obssesed with creating an impression for others... then what happened? i become a bloody nerd la! so now i have to denerdify myself.
but then again, shld i listen if pple say i'm a nerd, and should i change? i mean, if i hate being a conformist, and don't wanna conform what pple think is a good career, a godd portfolio, etc.., then why shld i change to denerdify myself? wouldn't that like not be true to myself?
but then again, is there really a "myself"? i mean, when we say we're being true to oursleves, who are we really talking abt? who is this nebulous person we call "myself"? is he a set of properties, with certain likes and dislikes. but then again, aren't our likes and dislikes formed from others in the first place? so maybe there really isn't a "myself"... so maybe we form our own "myselfs"...
ok, what do i know abt myself, and if i chenge EVERYTHING, what's not gonna change?
1. I love God.
2. I know God loves me and that Jesus died for me.
3. I know that love is the most important thing in the universe.
4. I know I love my friends, because I love God in them.
5. I know God is in all humanity, so I should love all humanity.
yup.that's about it. u know, everything else: my hobbies, my interests, everything was fromed from pple. everything's arbitrary. everything can change and i guess i wouldn't be changing who i am. or is it too late? has this already become who i am? i seriously hope not. if everything changes, then only those 5 points above must not change. everything else can change, and i'll be true to myself.
so i really dunno... i'd like to say i don't care abt creating a good impression, but truth is, even if we hate it, it's still the sad truth in this world. and anw, change doesn't happen overnight... so see how lar...
i won't end this message with a thanks. that's a step i guess. haha...
kiss my ass.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
