i don't give a shit

u know... before today, there're a million times i wanted to, but never said fuck in my blog. u know why? bcos i'm afraid that when i go for job interview for psc or sth, they're gonna dig up my blog and use it against me. well u know what, i don't fucking care any fucking more. so here's a tribute to all u fuckers out there who told me not to "create a bad impression". FUCK YOU! FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!

u know i realised my whole life i've always cared what pple think abt me? i always wanna give my teachers a good impression. whenever i'm out in public in school uni, i always behave like guai kia, whenever my friends played cards in public (which btw is only once), di u know whatn i think of? guess. just guess. i imagine that the police r gonna come, arrest us for gambling and then get a police record and i cannot work for civil service any more.... u know when we played pool and sneaked in an underage guy, everytime the music stopped, i imagined that it was a raid and the police were gonna arrest us all... it's ruined my life... u know i'm never able to enjoy what i do cos i'm always woried to give a bad impression... this fucking paranoia has fucking consumed me!

and u know what the worst part is? i'm not likely to change anytime soon. i can tell myself i don't care but i probably do. so here goes " I DON'T CARE WHAT THE WORLD THINKS OF ME ANYMORE. FUCK." there. i did it. did i change? i dunno, i really dunno.

u know, being a kid who was always at the top, pple will always tell me "must get a good portfolio." they've also conveniently told me, out of the kindness of their kind loving hearts, exactly what a good portfolio comprises. hmm... let's see... ok, the government says i must have good grades. check. the government says i must be well rounded. let's see... i learn music. check. i do fencing. check. but my napfa fail. oh no. how? i'm not well rounded enough to qualify as a real person. the government says i must show passion for what i study. so i study science. so ust do science research. oh ya i participated in a science research combination just for this. yes! the government's gonna be real pleased with me. i mean that's totally gonna get me further man. wow. i have so much passion man. government says i've got to be a leader. oh fuck! i should have joined sc... now how to get psc scholarship like that??? how to have my precious "overseas study experience"? how? ok... i was a leader in my church group and church camp... but it's church, so doesn't qualify. as far as i'm concerned, that's worth nothing. ok. thanks, guys, u've really shown me how to enrich my life. i dunno what i'd do without u....

my whole bloddy life i've been obssesed with creating an impression for others... then what happened? i become a bloody nerd la! so now i have to denerdify myself.

but then again, shld i listen if pple say i'm a nerd, and should i change? i mean, if i hate being a conformist, and don't wanna conform what pple think is a good career, a godd portfolio, etc.., then why shld i change to denerdify myself? wouldn't that like not be true to myself?

but then again, is there really a "myself"? i mean, when we say we're being true to oursleves, who are we really talking abt? who is this nebulous person we call "myself"? is he a set of properties, with certain likes and dislikes. but then again, aren't our likes and dislikes formed from others in the first place? so maybe there really isn't a "myself"... so maybe we form our own "myselfs"...

ok, what do i know abt myself, and if i chenge EVERYTHING, what's not gonna change?

1. I love God.
2. I know God loves me and that Jesus died for me.
3. I know that love is the most important thing in the universe.
4. I know I love my friends, because I love God in them.
5. I know God is in all humanity, so I should love all humanity.

yup.that's about it. u know, everything else: my hobbies, my interests, everything was fromed from pple. everything's arbitrary. everything can change and i guess i wouldn't be changing who i am. or is it too late? has this already become who i am? i seriously hope not. if everything changes, then only those 5 points above must not change. everything else can change, and i'll be true to myself.

so i really dunno... i'd like to say i don't care abt creating a good impression, but truth is, even if we hate it, it's still the sad truth in this world. and anw, change doesn't happen overnight... so see how lar...

i won't end this message with a thanks. that's a step i guess. haha...

kiss my ass.