Nightmare

There's a reason why they call it a nightmare. When something horribly unexpected goes wrong.

It seemed like it would never have happened. Could never have happened. But it did. And it is so horrible and so unexpected that it makes you want to scream. It feels unreal. Your mind half accepts it, and half doesn't. You're in denial. Severe denial. You just want to wake up.

The pangs of pain that pierce your heart when you wish, wish beyond wishes that you were back in the past... able to prevent the mistake, avoid the nightmare, wake up from your dream... Sometimes, it seems too unreal.

But it is. It is real. Soon, you slowly accept that it is real. Soon, you realise you do have to wake up. Cos if you don't wake up, you'd simply grow mad. simply. grow. mad.

To prevent madness, you wake up. You wake up into your nightmare.

a 90's kid and proud of it [General]

ooh... was facebooking today and joined the group "If you find this familiar, you grew up in the 90's" oh... it was beautiful.

it was a list of things us 90's kids used to do... i loved it. loved it. it was so nostalgic...

but it was kinda american... so now i'm inspired to make my own singaporean list!!! hey all you fellow 90's kids our there... the 90s was a great time to grow up... feel free to comment on my list!!! so here goes...

If you grew up in Singapore in the 90s, you grew up in a time of:

recess block catching

waking up on sunday mornings to catch spiderman cartoons on channel 5

Captain Planet and Ninja Turtles

watching sesame street just to see what the letter of the day was

Art Attack on TCS Channel 5

Cartoon Network playing Atom Ant, Scooby Doo, and Huckelberry Hound, yet it was so hot

wanting to trade your soul for a Sony Playstation

ultra huge Laser Discs, not DVDs or VCDs

'mama shop' snacks and comics (like Dennis the Menace)

reading Goosebumps

"Are You Afraid of the Dark" scaring the shit out you

Care Bears, Transformers, GIJoe, Creepy Crawlies

Biker Mice from Mars, Street Sharks, X-Men

loving Christmas (it was the best time in the world)

Christmas meant a much-desired trip to TOYS 'R US!!!! (which we thought was what heaven must be like)

shooting paper pellets in school

kicking around plastic water bottles cos we didn't have soccer balls

doing that to pose for girls

singing super-gay boy band songs in the shower (who could forget "I Want It That Way?")

Spice Girls and S Club 7

annual Disney movies like Lion King and Aladdin and Beauty And The Beast

the Internet was a scary mystery

mental sums in school

PETS Textbook

penmanship

Ravi, Bala, Ahmad, Ali and Siti being the main characters in problem sums

fiercesome chinese teachers

recorder lessons for music class

road safety park in east coast

writing in colourful super-cute autograph books when Primary 6 came, and it came time to part

spending small change on Arcade Machines (jamming the buttons on Marvel VS Street Fighter, and being ecstatic when we could do a 'hadou-ken')

doing 'hadou-ken' in school, and thinking it ws dam cool

pokemon and digimon and tamagotchi

collecting pokemon cards

polly pocket advertisements

caning in school

being dam scared when the prefect wrote your name down

saying "f*ck" was as big as smoking...

kids would say "Orrrr horrrrr..... I tell teachheeeeerrrrrr...."

teachers were still feared

you could block being caught by crossing your index fingers and saying "Twist"

you decided matters by saying "eeny meeny miney moe... catch th espider by the toe... if it cries, let it go... eeny meeny miney moe...."

pepsi cola one two three

hopscotch with wallets

chee goe pah!

chopsticks

hmm.... that's all i can think of so far...
but thinking of these things really bring back a time long past... when things were so much simpler and more innocent...

so guys... if you find these familiar, let me know!!! tag my tagboard... and add more things t my list if you can... haha...

the answer in jeans??? [Church, General/Catholics and Protestants]

this is a follow-up on my discussion yesterday. i always like interesting metaphors so here goes.

i think the answer may lie in jeans. yes, jeans. as in, the kind you wear.

apart for looking for a job, i've also spent the last few months looking for a good pair of jeans. i was looking for the skinny emo type, either full white or full black. alas, my search yielded no fruit for the last few months.

last week, i went on a desperate hunt for the perfect pair of jeans. i found many tops, but no jeans. i was so exasperated that i proclaimed that finding a great pair of jeans that worked for me, was like finding a life partner. very hard.

and luke replied that a lot of pple said that too.

hmm, so i was right i guess.

here's my problem. skinny jeans just don't work for me. most of the type i'm looking out for now are skinny. bootcut doesn't work too, cos i'm too short. straight is boring, and i have two really great pairs of straight cuts that i wear all the time, and all other jeans look similar. so everything was either too bland, not unique, or exciting but didn't suit me.

my searches seemed in vain.

but today, something interesting happened. it was a marvellously amazing day for me, even though i didn't plan any detail. and at the end of the day, on the train, when it seemed like it couldn't be more perfect, something interesting happened.

i really had to pee.

now, boon lay to pasir ris is no joke. it's a straight one hour plus plus train ride with no pee breaks. but i desperately needed one. so i alighted at city hall, and (reluctantly) paid the extra fee. thinking i might as well not waste the stop, i decided to browse around river island and topman, just for fun. i almost left, but then suddenly remembered that i was looking for jeans!!! so i turned back to serach one last time, just to give it a shot.

and i found this pair of full black jeans that were "Slim", which is in between skinny and straight. i knew i was short, so i needed Length 30. and so i deliberated between W32L30 and W30L30. W32 seemed to sit just perfectly, but W30 was more interesting. i almost left and asked luke to come back with his card on another day to but me the jeans so that i could use his discount. but then.... i realised that there was a sudden 20% discount, which was more than his 10%, and rendered his card useless for the period of the discount!!! so the $60 jeans became $47!!! so i didn't hesitate. i bought the jeans.

God paved the way perhaps?

thinking back... i think i see some lessons here. bcos i now know it's the perfect jeans for me. why? bcos:

1. i know i'm short, and L30 is the shortest, and L32 is too long, so my pair is not too short or too long.
2. i know it's not too big, cos W32 worked.
3. i know it's not too small, cos W30 looks more interesting than W32.
4. i know it's the best "slim" fit i can find, cos the only other one looked like the one i already have and it costs more than $100.
5. i know black is better than white cos the only white is skinny, which doesn't work for me.
6. i know black is better than red, or blue, for the same reasons above.

so in other words, this "perfect" jeans, and the PEACE in the certainty that it is indeed perfect, could only have come from hours and hours of endless searching and trying on of skinny jeans, long jeans, short jeans, and searching for different colours, patterns etc... in other words, disappointments have made me find the perfect pair. and this time, i wasn't even looking.

ok maybe, this is going a little too far and bordering on the superstitious... but maybe it's true. today, i was extra prayerful. i mean, i felt good today, so i started the day confident, and offered it up to God in prayer. i carried my Bible around (which is rare). and i prayed the rosary.

it's not a 'bao gao liao' thing, but more of an additive effect. you see, i started out the day feeling good. so i pray. and good things happen to me. and so i feel better, and happier. and so i pray even more. and more good things happen. it's just one of those really good days. and i owe it to God.

i mean, EVERYDAY is owed to Him, yes... but i felt that today, He went just that little bit extra. and it made my day. perhaps it's His way of reminding me that He really is God. The big guy. The Big Kahuna. The boss. The guy who can make or break me, or anyone else, for that matter!

So it's a timely reminder to trust in Him. Right when i need it most.

And perhaps the answer does lie in my slim jeans...? That all this searching, all this confusion, stress, frustration, and anxiety over my destiny.... all these questions.... perhaps all of them ARE indeed necessary. in order for me, when i get in the final Uni course, be it Local or Overseas, be it Engineering or Medicine or whatever, be it sponsored or self-funded, be it NUS or NTU or SMU... whatever!!! that where i end up, i will know that it is perfect for me. like the perfect jeans.

or maybe not.

maybe it'll all never end.

but it is days like these that make life worth living. it is days like these that remind me, with ever greater certainty, that there is a Big Guy out there, and that He's looking out for me.

Amen.

thinking about thinking [General]

what really is wrong with me?

what i mean is, why am i never able to find what i want? as in, in a job?

let's break it down. i think what i really want, deep down inside, is to be settled. it's a strong desire to know--for sure--my purpose in life, my destiny, what i am meant to do, and to be content about it for the rest of my life, because that's what i'm meant to do. i want to stop beating about the bush.

paradoxically, it's probably precisely this desire to be settled that keeps me being unsettled. confused? me too, i think... it's a bit of a new revelation for me, too so please let me explain.

all my life, ever since the first streaming in sec 2, i have had doubts, uncertainties, decisions, fears. i have desperately searched for direction, answers, and had been all too eager to realise a so-called 'epiphany' or 'enlightenment', aka the 'eureka' or 'aha!' moment.

when i said i loved history. when a friend told me i was 'meant' to be a teacher. when my friends and brothers said how good i was at teaching. when i decided against studying abroad in jc2. when i decided i loved physics. when i decided (just 2 years later) that, in fact, no, i hated physics but loved biology. when my dad said that i could achieve my full potential, and i decided to do medicine. when i read a book on job-hunting that gave me new perspectives. when i decided i wanted to study economics. and now i'm even deciding... hmm... maybe i could do law, too? army. ordeals. tuition. scouts. community work. physics olympiad. all these "key events" that amount to naught, bcos they gave me key 'revelations' which were contradicting, and now it would seem that my direction is all muddled up.

and after years of so called "life-changing revelations", i perhaps realise the one revelation that really does matter... that there is no such thing as a revelation at all.

or perhaps this is just another one of these bogus revelations. but then again, it's a paradox, and may or may not exist. eg like "this statement is false" kinda thing, but i'm really getting technical here, and i guess you see my point...

and i don't know. my second year of job/degree/scholarship hunting is ending in another dead end. and i'm about to move into my third year, my final shot, my last chance. in a sense, it is a bit of a relief, that i would be settled (cos i can't possibly make any sound changes after this) but then i would have to come face to face with (possibly my ultimate) fear of "sealing the deal", closing the door to options, coming face to face with my destiny, and the possibility of going down a path which i would regret.

it is not too late, i still have a year left for soul-searching. but it is precisely this desire to keep it within this "not too late" stage of limbo that prevents me from making the commitments that are required to succeed and be settled.

i think too much.

pray for me. please.

pray for us, [Church, LOM]

everyone in Our Lady Of Mount Carmel Junior Curia, who reads this, pls pray for us... your prayers are needed now more than ever.

Important things are going on that could make or break us. What that is, is not right to reveal now. there is a battle that must be fought, and once again some of us are called to stand by each other. we must throw our weight behind those who speak for us, and be prepared to make a stand.

for those who read this and do not understand, know this: it's ok. this battle is not yours, although you will certainly feel its effects. your role now is the same as always, to pray. pray for us, pray for the Curia officers, pray for the mission of Legion.

above all, remember this: hold true to your heart the mission of the Legion, which is perfectly in sync with the mission of the Church, of whom Christ is the head. although we are organised in specific groups, we do not work for these individual groups, rather, we work for God. always remember that. so many people forget it, and that will cause much suffering and confusion. but know who your Master is, and there is no confusion. we will speak on the side of truth. but keep your hearts open to God, avoid sin, read the Bible, pray, be receptive to the Holy Spirit, and you will not be deluded away from the truth. listen to Him, and you will bravely face those who wrongly accuse you of working against Him.

and pray. always pray.

and when you pray, know that it works. when you pray, know that you are making a difference. when you pray, know that even though you may not know what you are praying for, if you are praying for God's Will to be done, it is already a great and powerful prayer. pray in faith. trust in God.

and pray now for the Legion. everything will be revealed in time, but for the time being pray for us: that God will sustain us, that Jesus will be with us, that the Holy Spirit will guide us, and that Mother Mary will pray for us and with us. pray for the future of LOM, which is dependent on more than just this battle, but many more battles on the fronts faced at the Presedium level. each presedium faces a battle, pray for each of them too, especially pray for sound leadership.

for those of you who DO know what i'm talking about, we must unite in this. don't worry too much, whatever the outcome, we must allow ourselves to be guided by God, we must know what our morals are, and they will be our guide and our shield. hold them close. hold God close.

it'll be ok.

ANNOUNCEMENT, [General]

With effect from this entry, I am separating my blog entries into categories, so that ALL readers can read easily things that are related to them.

The categories are:

General--for all
Family--for my family
Army--for my BMT or 8SAB friends
VJC--for my VJ friends, esp those from 05S16
Scouts--for my wichita scout friends
Church, general--for all Catholics
Church, LOM--for my Legion Of Mary friends
Church, Cathecism--for my CON 1 Class or fellow Cathecists
Church, Catholics and Protestants--entries aimed at ALL Christians

The categories will appear in square brackets, [like this] and if an article is aimed at mor than one group, it will be separated by a slash, like this: [Family/Church, general]

Hopefully, I won't need to explain too much terminology from now on.... And if you don't fall in that category, feel free to read, at your own risk of being confused by jargon or terminology or acronyms that are not meant for you...

OK, hope this works!!!

my first... eulogy?

i've been planning to write this ever since i heard the news of Grandpa's passing. a... draft 1 eulogy... you might call it...? been really busy yesterday with the wake and all, and now got some free time to kick back and write this...



when i heard of his passing, i strived to recall what exactly his last words to me were... the last two times i met him alive, he was incapable of saying anything, and too weak... So this means that it goes a while back.



So i suppose i'll have to settle with this incident: We were in Grandpa's house visiting him, and he called me over. He asked me if I was going to be a doctor. I said nicely, No, knowing that his memory was poor and he was probably still stuck in that period last year when I was applying for medicine. So he said that I was the smartest Ortega (which is the family's opinion), and that I had to bring greatness to the name. My parents were around me at that time, and it was all very awkward. So i said, awkwardly, something like... ok i'll try. And so that was it.



At this point i must state that, unlike most people, i am fortunate enough to have parents who do not place unrealistic expectations on me. But everyone wants us to live up to our fullest potential. And on further reflection, I think that i don't really see and of us Ortegas achieving really prestigious or shining professions. So i feel a subtle pressure for greatness.



And as i said, that was it. I suppose if grandpa had known that would be his last words to me, he would have said something else. But, to steal a line from Jim Carrey, that's the way the cookie crumbles.



And so now i think i'm probably destined not to fulfill this. In this past few years, I have suffered many failures and rejections. My fencing pretty much failed, drama CCA failed, NTU Challenge didn't get any prize, got ungraded for Bio S Paper, failed to be an Officer, rejected by PSC, rejected (in a way) by MOE, rejected by Firefly, even rejected by SPH. It would appear that, after ngee ann sec, my whole life is spiralling downward, and i ask my self: what the hell am i doing wrong?



and the most frustrating part is, that i have excellent A level results, and all for what? What do they get you? A few praises here and there, but where is my overseas scholarship? where is my path to greatness? where is my medicine course? where is my Government job? not with me, that's for sure. For all my results, hard work, and restless nights, all i am left with is an uncertain future. i suppose i will lead a stable life, but it is a path of mediocrity. and can i accept that? how can i be the great Ortega that Grandpa wanted me to be? how can i fulfill this niche, of which i am the family's greatest hope? are we Filipino Catholics doomed to achieving less than waht we can really be?



then when thinking about what to say about grandpa i rememberd this sad state of mine, albeit with a twist: a Bible quote, which is one of my favourite and most inspiring quotes: and it goes:



"Not by might, Not by power, but by the Spirit of the Lord."

Zachariah 4:6



So i suppose that's the answer to all this? Trust in God. And He will lead me to fulfill my true destiny. Destiny is not what people expects of us, but what God wants for us. He leads us thru failures and disappointments to , in His own weird but perfect way, make us become who we are supposed to be. All we have to do is keep at it, work hard, and above all, Trust in Him.



And, yes, looking at the three Ortegas i know closest--My Grandpa, My father and My Father's Brother, all of their own lives were controlled largely by uncontrollable circumstances. In other words, God lead them to where they are.

and i suppose that this is all a reminder that i've gotta be consistent with my values, to do what i've been doing all along, to continue along the path that got me here in the first place, and all the time to know that th e Spirit of the Lord is my greatest might, my greatest power, my secret weapon, and my key to greatness.

but when all is said and done, this blog entry isn't about me, it's about him, my late Grandpa. So then, wht of his last words to me? what of his hopes? does this revelation, then, somewhat diminish the significance of his last important words to me? No. rather, it opens my eyes to see the true purpose of those words, even if it was not apparent to Grandpa alphonso himself when he said it. and it was to remind me of this. to remind me to keep on going for the best, but to Trrust in the Spirit of the Lord, and in His power and wisdom in all these. all i had to do is allow God to help me read between the lines.

and that is who my Grandpa always was to me. a beacon of advise (even if mostly thru my own father), and an instrument for God to speak to me. my fondest memories of him was, funnily, petty gambling on holiday trips, with small coins and cards and all the cousins, and it was all really fun and memorable.... it showed me that such a great role model was ok with having this kind of fun, and that life itself was about fun and humour, friends and family, as long as God remained in the picture...

and so this is my tribute to a man who lived for God, and for all of us. a great musician, a great father, a great grandfather, and a man who lived--not by might, not by power, but by the Spirit of the Lord.

his blood is in my instrument, and his song is in my soul.

first thoughts of a new era...

was supposed to be 'last thoughts on being 19'. but i didn't get home in time... haha...

hmm. i always do this. write on my birthday. what it means to me.

well, this time, it wasn't as bad as i thought. i was dreading this day. the day i cease to be a teen.

i remember my reaction when i turned 13. i was dam emo and sad. i guess not being 12 anymore was a big milestone for me, and represented to me, an era left behind--an era dominated by my primary school, which i loved so much. an era that would never come back.

well, how do i feel now that i'm no longer a teen? and i'm not quite a twenty-something, yet, just a plain old 'twenty'. in between. in between a kid and an adult. strangely, i'm not sad or anxious or whatever. hmm, maybe it'll take the morning to let the truth set in.

in any case, birthdays are milestones and all... but when they're over, life still goes on... i'll still be in NS for 3/4 of a year and life remains...

then there comes the trickiness of resolutions... and really, there's only one that bothers me... every birthday, i vow to myself to change the status quo by the next birthday. alas, the cycle repeats itself. (of what, you readers can guess...) oh well, maybe next year...

above all, i hope to continue to remain close to God, and to get closer to Him, and i know He'll take care of everything in His own time... God never fails to amaze and sursrise me, acting in ways i least expect... let's see what He has in store for me this year...

and here's to life, love, friendship, and all the good times... may they be always cherished, more to come, and be touched by the presence of God...

cheers!

holy week musings...

hey all... realise my blog is dying... well these days i've been applying scholarships and all, and it's a really tiring process... kinda like groping around in the dark... (i hope i conjure up an image of beign lost, not clubbing, lol...) and it's really all guesswork, trial-and-error and everything... it's mentally draining... and i'm glad the application period is more or less over...

you know, i realise that in life, if u wanna get things, you wanna grab opportunities, you really gotta grab em without thinking... take first, ask questions later... esp if you're like me liddat... think too much, talk too much, do too little... a NATO i guess? scholarships is like that....

ah... just came back from LOM training camp, and i think it went pretty well... the tolerance level of all of them really amazed me, although i think the spiderweb station broke many of them... in any case, they were quick to 'revive'... so that amazed me...

the disappointment was the lack of drama... i think we all visioned a really dramatic camp, and it all seemed somewhat... lacking? the candle session, the cert presentation and all... lacked a certain amount of pride and achievement on the campers' part... which made me sad for pet, cos she really put in a lot of effort for the souvenirs and the bands... and finally, i wonder whether the campers really took home the message... that an officership is NOT a game, it is NOT something to be taken lightly, and that we have the power to MAKE OR BREAK legion thru our everyday choices...

here's a poem, by me...

love is...
how do you know you love her?
when you would give it all up for her
not all at once
but a little everyday, into forever.

so ya... think about it.
there are many things we can love. but love--true love--always takes on the same form.
which brings me to my next topic... the good friday sermon...
i think it was an amazingly good sermon... i know a lot of olps pple can't stand FAT (sorry it sounds insulting, but that is the acronym of his name..., and i mean it in the greatest respect...) but i think he's swell...
i know he speaks really slow and sings really slow, but he has substance. and it's not right to imitate or make fun of priests, although i confess, i have done it many times... but now i really got to know FAT, i respect him alot...

i'm not a big fan of the Latin mass and all, and my stand on it is NEUTRAL. but when FAT brought it to OLPS it showed that he was ready to work hard for a cause he believed in... and there were many supporters! which means that he didn't implement things the pple didn't like, he simply gave a voice to a minority...

and his sermon yesterday was surprisingly good... as always, it had substance... both theological depth as well as relevance... but this time it had something FAT sermons usually lacked... an outward expression of fiery passion! he opened up about a dark moment of his Priesthood and his life (which, i'm guessing, for a conservative guy like him, is extremely hard to do...), and that moved him to tears! (another uncharacterisitic FAT moment, although u prob see it more with FGVG...) this story... his life... gave weight to his message that True Love requires sacrifice and pain.

it's a hard message to hear, but it's the truth. i am always moved by stories or images of people who spend years or decades of their lives devoted to caring for... say... a down's syndrome child, or a bedridden mother, or a vegetable husband.... i always wonder how they do it.... and sometime i ask myself... would i do that?

it's really easy to get carried away by of romantic love... we say we wanna spend our lives with her, we will die for her and all that... but don't we see the deeper flaw here? i mean, it's easy to die for a person if you're so madly in love... you can't really grasp what you're missing, caught up in the moment, an impulsive desire to be a martyr... (no offense to Jesus, but there's a religious explanation why He's above this)

it's easy to die for another person, but it's not easy to LIVE for another person... of course you love her now, when she's beautiful and coy and makes you laugh... but can you still love her when she becomes a bag of wrinkles? when she becomes grumpy everyday? when she becomes sick and leeches the life out of life? when many other younger, funnier, sweeter girls pass you by? when a potentially carefree life passes you by? when everyday you yearn to leave her and take hold, grasp the ownership of a better, freer life that you should be living? when life passes you by? when you watch your glory days fly past you and you know they can never return? ever.

can you devote yourself to a person like that? can you wait? can you give up your life, your whole life, one day at a time, when it screams for you to claim it? i don't know if i can. but i deeply admire pple who do...

i guess that's why FAT really cried during the sermon on good friday... He said he wanted to leave the Priesthood. which means that he felt exactly this. he felt that his life was passing by him, and would continue to pass by him, if he did not claim it, if he did not leave the Priesthood.

but he held on bcos of love. a difficult love. a demanding love. a love that, most of the time, seems not worthwhile. love of what? of whom? God? the Church? a people who did not fully understand his sacrifice? it's hard to love when you don't get loved back. it's hard to love when you don't get understood. it's hard to love when most of the time you have to ask yourself "why am i doing this?" and have no answer. but he still chose to love.

that's probably why he cried. that's probably why he kept repeating himself. bcos the message--Christ's message--of True True Love, was so precious, and so tender, and so personal to him. and he literally poured out his entire life, his entire being, on stage, on the alter, for all of us to see. but how many of us saw it?

and that's why i respect FAT.

so yup, that's my bloggg enty for today... cya all ard... and i'll be 20 in five days... no more a teen...

that scares me.

poem time!!!!

hey hey hey!
i feel like posting a poem i just wrote cos my blog is gettin empty...
amd it's a lovey kinda thing jus to show that i do have a romantic side...

so here goes...
it's titled...

inspiration

.

Loving you

from a distance

behind a veil

...all smiles...

.

isn't as hard

as i thought it would be.

.

You gave me

words

gave me

romance.

music.

in those lovesick years.

when you seemed closest.

.

certainty

uncertainty

.

congealed in a heady mix.

.

if all romance is but a compromise,

why must we compromise?

why must we settle for less than perfect?

.

You gave me

peace.

confidence.

and belief still

in myself

and my ablility

.

to be truly glad for you

(oh that cliche)

to be truly glad to see you

live a life

live out all your

ecstacies

and powdered gall.

.

a life

that i was not a part of.

.

and then to find a certain courage

to look away.

.

and so the momentum

in its crotchets and crescendoes;

staccatoes and

passaionate sforzandoes

make the days

tick along into years.

stretch

.

but in those stretching years

love,

that everlasting

fickle bitch.

.

returns moments.

.

when we see again

what all that fuss was about.

.

see you again

behind a screen

your soul

written

streaked in words

in secret.

.

and being inspired

cos i still love you

(and always will)

from a distance.

self censor

in view of the shocking news that certain individuals know how to use a computer,
i have decided to self-censor certain words in my previous post,

for the maintenence of peace and harmony :)

and general well being of everyone.